[Joe] Previously on You...
There are no recent pictures of your dad because he's dead.
He OD'd and you were the one that found him.
You've started a few poems about that day, but you never finished them.
I have one just like this.
It was my dad's.
[Joe] This is the red ladle story?
It's okay, Beck.
I'm going to help you get the life you deserve.
You fall for the wrong men.
You have questionable taste in friends, and that Peach is the worst.
I just need to know who you really are.
Besides a broke poetry student
in a subsidized apartment you could never afford.
What you really need is someone to save you.
Let me help you, Beck.
Beck, is it? Blythe.
[Beck] I read one of your essays in the Review last month,
and it was so illuminating.
That's funny. There's a book missing.
Joe was looking at it at my party.
[Joe] Tonight, I show you I'm the one.
You want it down and dirty? You got it.
[moaning]
[Beck] Did you just...
[both moaning]
[Joe sighs]
Did you just...
[Beck] What was that?
Eight seconds?
Oh, yeah. He's got that "Trump just took Pennsylvania" look.
Say something.
Say, "Happens all the time. NBD."
No, you'll sound like a slut.
You could say, "Let's order food." Move past it.
-Is Grey Dog open late? -[cell phone vibrates]
[Beck] Oh, thank God.
Um...
-I should... -Yeah, yeah.
[Beck] Shit.
Ugh, you idiot.
Why did you tell him you were available this weekend?
Why don't you think?
Well, go.
The Captain calls, you answer.
You know how this works.
He paid for the bed you just got laid on.
Or whatever that was.
And your phone bill.
Good girl. That wasn't so hard, was it?
-[exhales] -[cell phone vibrates]
Seriously?
[cell phone vibrates]
[Joe] Hey, Beck, I'm gonna run to the store.
[Beck] Shit. Joe. Probably thinks you're hiding in here.
Hold on a second. I'll be right out.
[cell phone vibrates]
Oh, God, please stop.
They're just words, Beck.
Tell him what he wants to hear.
[door opens and closes]
Oh, no.
Joe?
Ugh, Beck. You're a disaster.
[exhales]
Last night, eight-second sex. Joe.
If you're gonna act like a whore, may as well look like one.
[cell phone chimes]
[Annika] You just have a magic poon.
[Lynn] Hashtag, yoni too good.
[Beck] Thanks. That's helpful.
[Lynn] Is he big?
[Beck] "Is he big?" Oh, my God. Why are you even asking them?
Can you, for once, just have your own opinion, Beck?
[Lynn] Got pics?
With the bun?
[Beck] You're not helping.
[cell phone chimes]
[Annika] Is he worth it?
[Beck] "Is he worth it?"
There we go. Good question.
Is he?
[Peach] Annika wouldn't know a good dick if you hit her over the head with it.
It's not like it doesn't happen to tons of guys.
I mean, Benji used to nod off while going down on me.
I thought we weren't talking about Benji anymore.
We're not.
He's dead to me. Just merely using him as a reference.
Benji didn't work retail.
Joe works in a bookstore.
A hop, skip, and a bad haircut away
from selling men's leather bracelets at Club Monaco.
Becks, love yourself. Ghost him, already.
Sorry to interrupt, ladies, but we are all clear.
-Are you saying I don't have bedbugs? -[man] I didn't find a one.
Would you like to see the 22 bites on my ass?
-Uh... -[Peach] Don't answer that.
They're there. Go find them.
Go find them!
Ugh. I wonder how he is with finding rare books.
Joe did not take your Wizard of Oz.
Ozma of Oz.
And who said anything about Joe?
That's it. I'm booking a room at the Mandarin Oriental
and you're coming with.
I would so love to, but I can't.
I, um...
I am going to a writer's retreat in Rockland.
Since when?
[Beck] She knows when you're lying.
Since I wrote this piece in workshop that everyone called "treacly."
[scoffs] Tell me you're not writing another dead puppy thing
as a metaphor for your dad dying.
-I-- -What?
That's completely what it's really about.
Look, I'm just saying stop killing puppies.
-Write fresh. -[chuckles]
You know, there's so much more inside of you.
Who are you now, Beckalish?
-Hmm? -I thought it was a good piece.
Aw...
Sorry, boo-boo. Okay, go.
Find that brilliant badass inside of you, and believe in her.
I know I do.
[Beck] Literally, the most supportive she's ever been about your writing,
and you're lying to her face.
You are the worst friend.
Oh, there they are.
Wait a minute. Why do you need these if you're going on a writer's retreat?
[chuckles] What? So, it's look hot or be a writer?
You could just leave. You could, you know.
Cut the cord. Take off the yoke. Bon voyage, Captain.
You're a coward.
Britney got through 2007, though, right?
Maybe this is what you need to find your inner badass.
Maybe Emily Dickinson had it right.
The solitary prowess of a silent life.
What is it with motel rooms and you wanting to dive into your panties?
He is always late. And you're frustrated.
Plus, after last night, you're owed one.
Oh, Joe. You seriously need to call him.
[car honks]
[Beck] Has he been working out?
It's two days. You got this.
[moaning]
Did you just...
[Joe] You should be screaming my name right now,
digging your nails into my back.
You expected me to please you, get you off,
but you didn't scream, and my back is not bleeding,
and you definitely did not get off.
You don't even know what to say, do you?
You must be mortified.
-[cell phone vibrates] -[Joe] Ignore it. Ignore it, Beck.
What the hell have I done?
[cell phone vibrates]
Seriously?
[Joe] You're already telling whoever that is.
I've reduced myself to an anecdote.
Mr. Quickdraw. The Minuteman.
Being generous.
Don't let it be Peach.
"The Captain"?
What the hell is this?
What? Obviously, you don't love him.
[Beck] Love ya!
[Joe] "Love ya."
"Love ya"?
You never said that to Benji, and look what had to happen to him.
Beck, just when I think we're getting somewhere...
Yeah, so, here, you're sacrificing the hard cover,
but you're getting greater textual accuracy than any previous edition.
It's the final word on the Tolkien trilogy.
Thank you so much.
[Joe] My dick reduced to cartoon food items.
This is my nightmare. A hot dog.
Yes, with the bun.
Tell her, Beck.
Go on, listen to your gut.
Joe's the one.
[Beck] Yes. Worth it. Okay, one more shot.
[Joe] Not like there was any real doubt.
[Joe] "Outfit"? Are you kidding me?
[Beck] Just got it. Hope you like.
[Joe] You do all this for him?
[Lynn] Christoph's party in Montauk tonight. You in?
[Beck] Can't. Gotta write.
[Joe] You even lie to your friends about this guy. What the hell?
You've been confirmed at the Seahorse Motel.
Ethan, I need you to close tonight.
Oh, man, I'd love to, but I gotta split soon.
Rastiche, my balalaika teacher, is holding a master class tonight.
Wasn't a question.
I'm sorry. I have an appointment out of town.
Beck, I should be your Captain.
[car honks]
[Joe] It can't be.
How old is he?
If only I could tell you I'm here. You don't need to do this.
Whatever this is, it's not too late to stop it.
-So good to see you, hon. -Yeah. You, too, Dad.
[Joe] "Dad"?
[Ned] Place belongs to a couple from church.
There are plenty of rooms, and it's ours right through New Years.
Sounds like a pretty cool place.
Even has a hot tub out on the patio.
Though, if I know Nancy, she won't let the kids near it.
[Beck] She doesn't normally want the kids near me, either, but here we are.
[Ned] I really think you'd love it up there, honey.
Yeah, um...
I don't know my schedule that far out, unfortunately.
Of course, I...
I understand.
[Beck] And you wonder why he asks for more.
Um...
But I'll totally check, and I'll let you know as soon as possible.
What? Is it too much for a Dickens festival?
No, no.
I mean...
It's just, some people may find it... You know?
How is Nancy?
[Joe] Why is he your secret, Beck?
[violin playing]
"...has only one fault that I know of.
And it happens, unfortunately, that that single blemish is a want of taste.
She don't like me."
[all laughing]
It's pretty great, huh, sweetie?
Yeah, it's amazing.
Amazing this many people are fans of contrived plotting and melodrama,
if they even read Dickens.
More likely they couldn't pass up an excuse to day-drink.
How's your mom?
Um... she's actually... She's on a cruise, but she's great.
Riddled with anxiety, low self-esteem, on antidepressants,
dating men so safe and boring she must wanna scream, but don't worry.
You abandoning her didn't scar her at all.
[Ned] How about your brother? How's he doing?
You know. Works a lot. Anya, too.
But they seem happy.
According to Facebook.
And how's school goin'?
It's great, actually. I'm...
I'm just working on building my portfolio.
-It's more than just that first book. -[cell phone vibrating]
You really need the second if--
Hey, where are you guys?
[Beck] Beck, you're such an asshole.
"Love me, Daddy. I'm gonna be a writer, Daddy."
God, just shut up forever.
There they are.
[Beck] Oh, my God.
She's actually gotten more smug.
[Cooper] Beck, look, I have a cane.
Yes, you do. Look at you guys.
You look pretty.
[Beck] Stop hating them. They're just kids.
None of it's their fault.
Thanks, Mia. So do you.
Guinevere, how are you?
Great. I love your dress.
Not necessarily you in it, but...
Brought you something.
I just couldn't resist.
-[Beck] No, she's not. -Oh...
Oh, it's perfect. Oh, um... [clears throat]
You're slipping a bit, dear.
[Beck] Touch me again, crazy-pants. I dare you.
Thank you.
[Ned] Hey, Nancy, let's take the kids and play a game.
[Nancy] As long as I get to...
[Joe] You really are capable of keeping a secret.
Four, by my count.
Who the hell are you, Beck?
[Ned] Have at it.
-Hey! Yeah. You're a natural. -[Nancy exclaims]
-[Nancy screams] -[Ned] Two down, buddy.
-[Ned chuckles] -[Nancy] What an arm on him.
[indistinct chatter]
[Nancy] Maybe you should get a shot for the blog.
[Joe] If I wasn't so blinded by love,
I would've seen these secrets right in front of me,
waiting to be uncovered.
Captain Beck, a.k.a. The Captain, a.k.a. Edward Martin Beck.
The addict part was true, I see, but he never died,
which he credits to his friends in the NA fellowship at St. James Church.
It was there he not only conquered his demons,
but also met church rep and divorcée Nancy Whitesell,
a.k.a. the Christian News' "Mommy Blogger of the Year."
"If Ned can do it, so can you."
He became a feature in her blog, then her life.
Less than a year, they were married.
He really landed himself the perfect family,
if your stepmother's to be believed.
But what about you, Beck?
Where do you fit into all this?
[cheering and applause]
[Nancy sighs]
Your father has come such a long way.
Worked hard for it, too.
[Beck] You're barking up the wrong tree, lady,
if you think I'm gonna sit here and validate that man.
Yeah, he's lucky to have you.
[Nancy] It just goes to show you
what a good Christian household and a loving family can do.
[Beck] She did not just suggest if you were more Christian,
he wouldn't have abandoned you for a crack pipe.
[Cooper] Mommy, come watch me.
Excuse me, my dear.
Your dad talk to you yet?
[Beck] She's so her mother. Only less subtle.
Talk to me about?
Well, he's supposed to tell you he can't send money anymore.
But he's gonna help you find a better job first.
Mom doesn't think he should wait.
She's so cranky.
It's the hormones.
Oh.
I wasn't supposed to tell you, but...
she's pregnant.
That's why they're fighting about it.
[Beck] Great. It's great.
He's starting a new family...
because fixing the one he had obviously wasn't an option.
Why would he ever do that?
[gasps]
I'm going to find a bathroom. I'll be right back.
Can I get another "Timber Doodle"?
[cell phone vibrates]
Bitch.
Hi. Is Joe Goldberg working today?
Joe Goldberg is not working today, but I'm Ethan. And you would be...
Looking for Joe. Expect him anytime soon?
I do not, relatively speaking. Joe's out of town.
But is there anything I can help you find?
Possibly.
I'm in the market for a first edition copy of Ozma of Oz.
That's a pretty rare critter.
Uh, not sure we have it.
See, books of that pedigree, we keep under a lock and key downstairs.
And you don't have the key?
Well, normally I have the key, but I just don't have it right now.
Joe left with it. He just forgot to give it to me.
And where is Joe?
[cell phone ringing]
I thought I was supposed to be writing.
Are you with "Eight Seconds"?
No. I told you, I'm on a retreat.
Is he with you?
[cell phone vibrating]
What is it, Ethan?
Hey, bro. I know you didn't want to be interrupted,
but this chick was just in asking about a first ed. Ozma of Oz.
What are you talking about?
Joe's there. In Nyack.
What did she look like?
Uh, twenty-five-ish, brunette, kinda hot,
but, you know, maybe that's like a type thing?
[Joe] Peach Salinger.
Are you lying to me?
[Beck] 'Course you are. That's what you do.
Lie so your life looks better.
Peach, I'm not lying. I told you, I'm here to write. I...
I can't deal with this right now. I promise I'll call you.
[Joe] And you told her I'm here?
[Ethan] I'm sorry, man, did I screw up or...
[Joe] You'll know I'm here. You may already know.
[Beck] Hey, you.
Oh, sorry. So sorry.
[Joe] How is this explainable?
Or do I run? Shit, shit, shit.
Joe?
Beck? What are you doing here?
[indistinct chatter]
[Beck] That's true. You are a bookseller, aren't you?
Sadly, I humiliate myself like this annually.
Well, this is kinda workin' for you.
-You mock. -[chuckles]
It's fair.
I'm lying. I'm lying to you right now.
[chuckles] Excuse me?
I knew you were here.
I wasn't happy with how we left things, and, apparently, neither were you,
seeing as how you were hiding out in the bathroom.
I wasn't hiding, I swear.
We can at least agree that I may have left you a little wanting?
Yeah.
So, you're saying you did want it to last longer than eight seconds?
[chuckles] No! I mean, yeah, as in--
Wait, I thought it was a race.
Didn't I win?
No?
I just... I thought it'd be nice if I came and surprised you.
And not leave you with that memory of me for too long.
How did you, um... How did you know I was here?
Oh, well, you posted a nature shot this morning.
See that little restaurant sign in the background?
Apparently, Pops and Millie's ain't a chain.
-Hmm. Shocking. Really should be. -Yeah.
So I googled it and I saw all the information about the festival
and I figured this was probably why you were in the area,
and by the way, this outfit is really workin' on you, too.
[Beck] Oh.
Um...
Can you hold on for just one second?
Hey, sweetie. Cooper's kinda hitting a wall.
We were gonna head back and rest up before dinner.
Okay, I'll find my own ride back to the hotel.
And who is this handsome gentleman?
[chuckles] Sorry, this is Joe.
He works at a bookstore I go to in the city.
[Ned] Hey, Joe.
This is my wife, Nancy. I'm Ned, Beck's dad.
-Hi. -Very nice to meet you both.
[Nancy] You're welcome to join us for dinner, Joe.
Yes! Totally. If you can.
I'd love to.
[Ned] We'll see you then.
Okay, uh, I can explain. Um...
[exhales]
One day when I was 12, I got home from school before my brother and sister,
and my mom was at work.
So I go into the basement to play Mario Brothers,
and I...
I find my father unconscious
with a needle in his arm.
I thought he was dead.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
I mean, he survived it.
And, which, of course, was this amazing thing.
So, when he disappeared on us because he relapsed, I just...
I couldn't believe it.
Right then and there, I decided he was dead.
Which is why I told you he was, [sighs] which is totally wrong.
I mean, who does that?
-[chuckles] -Well--
The first deep, personal thing I tell you is a total lie.
Well, hang on. That's--
I know, I get it if you are horrified
and think I'm a total fraud and liar and want nothing to do with me.
After everything you've been through?
I get it. I'm sorry.
[chuckles] You're sorry?
I am.
Anyway, I was at Brown
and he tracked me down to say he'd gotten clean.
And then he says he wants to help with my school and some of my bills,
like dad amends.
So I bury my resentment and start having lunches with him
and doing stupid shit like this,
playing the dutiful daughter,
enduring this nauseatingly perfect new family of his.
I'm sure they're not perfect.
Believe me. They are.
Well, I guess I'll find out tonight.
[laughs] No, I am not subjecting you to that.
I'll just... I'll tell them you had to go back. Book emergency.
I'd be on board, but that would be so un-Victorian of me.
The virtuous maiden is supposed to be rescued
by the dashing, sometimes broody, altogether charming hero.
[chuckles] And who is that? Is that meant to be you?
[all laughing]
[Joe] That boat, she can take it. You know it.
[Ned] No, no. I know. I know it well.
I don't know if Beck's told you,
but I captained the Nantucket ferry for 16 years.
I did not know that. I feel like I've been telling Mickey Mantle how to hold a bat.
-[both chuckle] -[Joe] Do you sail, too?
God, no. Never had the patience for it.
Oh, Dad, you know your way around a sailboat.
Enough to know I'm all thumbs. I've been out a couple times.
You don't remember the renters next door?
They had that Sunfish they let you take out? The Murphys?
Their cars were always blocking the driveway.
How's life in the big city, dear?
It's great, thanks for asking.
Oh, and we broke our centerboard that one time,
and the current took us, like, halfway to Long Island?
What'd I say? Not much of a sailor.
[Beck] But you do. You remember it, right?
It was pouring.
I learned every swear word in the book that day.
-I don't think he remembers, dear. -I think he can speak for himself, Nancy.
You know, you don't have to protect him. He's not a child.
You're one to talk.
Excuse me?
You invest nothing in this family. Nothing.
Not even a call to your father on his birthday.
You know what? Stop. You've no idea what you're talking about.
Because your father, he's just an ATM to you, right, Beck?
Please, let's not do this.
I'm sorry, and what is he to you?
A feature for your blog,
so you can brag how you lifted him out of the pits of despair?
Newsflash! He was sober when you met him.
I was in the pits with him. And not because I wasn't Christian enough.
You didn't save him.
You think he'll fall over if you pulled your hand out of his ass?
Guinevere, enough.
-What the hell are you looking at? -[Ned] Guinevere.
-Do not talk to my daughter that way. -Okay, whatever. I'm done.
Oh, and congrats on the baby. How blessed you all are.
Do you want him dead?
What?
Kinda feels like you and he...
have some unresolved stuff.
Believe me, I'm the king of unresolved family issues.
I know what people splitting feels like.
I just wonder if, uh...
Look, he's here. He's alive.
Use that as an opportunity to talk to him.
Or, you're a writer.
Could be helpful to write about him. Cathartic, too.
What are you doing?
-Nothing. I don't know. -Do you hear yourself right now?
I mean, who the hell are you to tell me that I have daddy issues?
-You don't even know me. -No, Beck, hang on.
Just go. Leave me alone. I'm serious.
[Beck sighs]
[Ned] Hey, hon.
We're gonna get going.
Cool. Um...
Thanks for dinner.
This should cover the room.
It's hard for me to see you with them.
I keep waiting for you to be you again.
-This is me, Guinevere. -[Beck] No, it's not. You were...
Reckless and out of control. And, honey, you were a kid. You...
-You didn't see what was going on. -Yes.
Yes, I did.
And you were more than just an addict.
I miss you.
Whatever. [sniffles]
You know, I tell people that you're dead.
Kind of feels like you did die that day in the basement.
I'm sorry you feel that way.
You were a good sailor.
Well, maybe you can tell me about it sometime.
Maybe in Vermont...
over Christmas.
Like I said, I'll have to let you know.
"On the plywood over the bay window We spray paint taunts at Hurricane Isabel
Cow her into a tropical storm
Her moon tide, though Carries your beach chair away
Sea glass and Springsteen
The beached whale The silent walk home
The grill that doesn't start On the Fourth of July
The woman at the drug store you hit on Who isn't Mom
The renters blocking the drive The string of my sweatshirt I gnaw on
Morning sun over Wauwinet
The red ladle over the pan
Your wrist, the perfect cant
[cell phone vibrates]
[Beck] You leave for the 8:20 to Hyannis With one commandment
Get the batter off the ladle While it's wet
The ladle's left in the sink
Mom lets it soak "Leave it," she says
You go away and we come home
And what's left of you, it loosens And the water carries it away"
[cell phone vibrates]
[sighs]
[knocking on door]
They say girls with daddy issues are really good in bed.
I like who I am with you, Joe.
♪ You can see it in my eyes ♪
♪ I'm gonna lay low Comin' out of nowhere ♪
♪ I would lay low Take a breath and say a prayer ♪
Sorry I didn't call. Is it okay if I come in?
♪ Comin' out of nowhere ♪
♪ I would lay low Take a breath and say a prayer ♪
[Beck chuckles]
♪ You play your game I take my time ♪
♪ You take your aim Commence your crime ♪
♪ I won't back down ♪
♪ Go all the way ♪
-[Beck] Too rough for you, Goldberg? -[Joe] Not at all.
♪ I'm gonna lay low Comin' out of nowhere ♪
♪ I would lay low Take a breath and say a prayer ♪
-[Joe moans] -[Beck panting]
♪ Comin' out of nowhere ♪
I want you, Joe.
♪ Comin' out of nowhere ♪
♪ Comin' out of nowhere Comin' out of nowhere ♪
[both moaning]
[Beck] Hey, stranger.
[chuckles]
You drool in your sleep. So cute.
Were you watching me?
Maybe.
Uh-oh. Stalker.
Learned from the best.
How did you figure out where I live?
The bearded guy from the bookstore.
You taste like maple syrup.
Wait.
I have to apologize about our talk.
I was a hostile goose.
-A hostile goose? -Yeah, geese are total dicks.
But, uh, no, seriously, you called me on my shit,
and I took it really poorly because...
Well, because you were totally right,
and I didn't want to hear it, and I'm sorry.
Like you said, we barely know each other and here I was, trying--
You really don't think we know each other?
I mean, I was just... I was angry when I said that, and--
Look...
sometimes I could swear I've known you forever,
but in the grand scheme of things,
not long enough for me to be commenting on your relationship with your father.
You were just trying to help me see that I'm full of shit. [chuckles]
And you were sweet.
It's funny, I feel like every guy I date is...
They're either messes like my dad was, or they're like my dad is now,
trying to be something they think they should.
Or they're me. Both a mess and a fraud.
-You're not a fraud. -So just a mess?
No. Not more than anyone.
But then there is you.
I mean, you're not trying to be anything than what you are.
You're just you. There's not an ounce of falseness in you.
I mean, you drink Café Bustelo and you own starch
and you don't care about dumb shit like posting your life online.
I mean, it's a revelation.
Do you know how many selfies I've taken on the toilet?
A lot. [laughs]
Okay, instead of sitting here watching you judge me,
I'm gonna go pee...
I'm not...
[Beck] ...and try not to take a selfie.
[Joe] What are the chances I'm getting a follow-up review?
[cell phone chimes]
[Joe] Apparently, I've redeemed myself.
Far be it from me to stop you from shouting it from the rooftops.
Plus, I guess it is nice to hear it from your friends.
Even if not all of them can share in your happiness.
It's really too bad.
The one whose approval you crave most isn't my biggest fan.
Fortunately, Paco's a remarkably quick reader.
I can return the book I, of course, never had any intention of keeping.
And if that's not enough...
If Peach still has a problem...
Well, every relationship has its obstacles to overcome, right?
I won't let her get in the way of us, Beck.
I won't.