The showrunner just called. He's cutting your character from the show.
You never let me in, Simon.
Not really.
What's this "big audition" you were talkin' about?
I'm auditioning for Wonder Man.
Anyway, nice meeting you.
Wait. Someone's actually remaking Wonder Man?
It's too late. Today was the last day of auditions.
You're a bloody mess. You can't go in like this.
And then you ran into each other at the audition?
Yes.
Are you sure he's buying the act?
He doesn't suspect a thing.
I was ten when the acting bug first bit.
My first audience was my dear old mum, Dorothy.
I… I had to keep her spirits up.
It was the least I could do, after all she gave to me.
Hmm. You can see how much she loves you.
Oh, she was a saint. A true saint.
She always believed in me, believed in my acting.
I'd never have made it without her.
Wait… Were you in a hospital show?
South Shore Hospital, yeah. The first three episodes.
Yes! With Joe Pantoliano. I love him.
Yeah.
- No, yeah. People do. - Mmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's true. I've had some low points,
some bits I'd rather forget… but that's all behind me now.
Thirteen years sober, back in Hollywood, ready to make my mum proud.
You know, she always said my acting could be important, vital,
and I'm gonna prove her right.
Oh, that's wonderful.
Your mother would be so happy for you.
Stay down!
Stay down! Do not move!
Trevor Slattery, you're under arrest.
I'm not resisting.
- Step back. Step back. - We're not together.
Some people call me a terrorist.
I consider myself a teacher.
America, ready for another lesson?
Thirty-nine hours ago,
the Ali Al Salem Air Base in Kuwait was attacked.
I, I, I did that.
Pretty scary stuff.
It's called acting.
I'm gonna shoot him in the head,
live on your television.
- Acting? - They're squibs. Blanks.
- You sure about that? - Why are we going through all this again?
- I had my trial. I went to jail. - And never finished your sentence.
- Not my fault. - No one cares.
You know, the way that I see this,
you have two options.
Option one, is that you go back to prison and finish your sentence.
I like that option. And then you have option two,
which is, you do a little work for the Department of Damage Contr--
Two. Option two, thanks.
Okay.
This is Simon Williams.
You're an actor. Do you think you can get close to him?
I would need some bait.
An audition could work.
Shouldn't be hard to set up a fake one.
No, he'd see through it.
He's a… he's a working actor with an agent.
This is a small town. He'll know what's real.
You need to find out what projects are coming up, something juicy.
Something Simon Williams would be particularly excited about.
Yeah, one sec.
- Hey. - How in the hell did Ruth Bakshi call me
about your audition for Wonder Man?
Yeah, see, that's kind of a funny thing.
No, no, it's actually not funny.
I… I'm so mad, I don't even wanna hear it.
I'm sorry, Janelle, I had to. It's just--
It's just something about this role.
It feel like…
It feel like the one, like it was made for me, you know what I mean?
Actually, I don't. Mmm-mmm.
- She loved me, didn't she? - Simon, stop.
She loved me.
She said somethin' about you showin' promise, maybe.
I knew it!
Yeah, but she's also realistic, like me.
She's putting you up for an opportunity that you actually have a real shot at.
It's a self-tape for a indie feature, The Carlyle.
Get it to me as soon as you can.
You better deliver for Ruth. You want her on your side.
- 'Cause she tight with Von Kovak. - Because she's a great casting director!
Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, I got you.
Do you? Do you got me? Bye.
All right.
"Poetry teacher I'm close with, you never judge?"
"Who says? Who says what? That I don't judge?"
"How is it that no matter who I bring in here, boy or girl,
"my mother or that odd poetry teacher, you never judge?"
Who says?
Who says what?
That I don't judge?
That was bad.
Zha! Zha!
- Who says what? - Who say--
- How is it that no ma-- - What'd you--
How is it that no matter who I--
- Shut up, not yet. - No matter who I--
Would you like to charge it to the room?
How is it that no matter who I bring in here, boy or girl,
or my mother or that odd poetry teacher, you never judge?
Who says?
Who says what?
That I don't judge?
Maybe I'm just good at hiding it.
It's good. Maybe just…
Maybe just, like, down in the back.
- Okay. - And then, maybe this out.
Okay.
- Yeah, I like that. - Thank you.
- Monetti. - Come here.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Did you notice any signs of visible enhancement?
Like what, exactly?
I don't know. Like a subtle glow, maybe?
No, he was not glowing.
I said subtle.
Look, Trevor, the Department of Damage Control
considers Simon Williams an extraordinary threat,
and I just need some proof, and I need it fast,
and I think we've wasted enough time tryna search for this "perfect audition."
- It was worth it. - I think we could've gone with M3GAN 3.0.
That's why you hired me.
Oh, will you look at that?
Simon Williams needs help with an audition, wants me to come over.
You see, my friend? That is great news.
I want you to wear this.
When you enter his place, find his computer
and place this right on top, and I'll handle the rest remotely.
Got it.
Why aren't you texting him back?
I wouldn't want him to think I'm just sitting around all day
waiting for someone to text me.
Okay.
I think we've waited long enough, maybe.
I'll handle the role of Trevor Slattery, if you don't mind.
Okay. I've put down my book.
I have crossed the room. I've reached my phone.
"Intriguing. When were you thinking?"
- He's thinking "now." - Is he?
"That might be tricky.
"I would have to move some things around,
"but there might be a chance I could manage--"
Just say, "See you in 20."
I would never text a sentence fragment.
Meeting is set.
Great.
"How far that little candle throws his beams!
"So shines a good deed in a naughty world."
Yeah.
Shakespeare.
Right.
Merchant of Venice.
Sure.
Don't mess this up, Trevor.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah, it's Trev. Trevor Slattery.
Cool, be right down.
Wait… aren't I coming up?
Hey.
Thanks for comin'.
- Let's go shoot this thing. - Aren't we using your apartment?
Nah, it's got bad energy.
Look, I just went through a breakup, so it's kinda hard to focus in there.
I gotta be centered for this. It's gotta be good.
Okay. Okay, so where do we go?
There's a self-tape studio not far from here.
And what, pray tell, is a self-tape studio?
They sprang up over the last few years.
You rent the room by the minute. It helps.
Since almost everything these days is a self-tape.
It's tragic how the industry's changed.
Oh.
Sorry, I've… I've gotta take this.
I'll sign us up.
I couldn't get into his apartment.
How did you already screw this up?
Editing and upload are included, and there are no hidden fees.
Sign right there, and I can fit you in right now, if that works?
Nice.
Okay, fine.
Just stay close and keep an eye out for anything suspicious.
I think I can handle that.
- Trevor, we're up. - Oh.
Oh. Gotta go, Uncle… Vanya.
So, it's an indie feature in the vein of Igby Goes Down
or The Only Living Boy in New York,
and I play a waiter who the man-boy protagonist
has a unexpected emotional connection with.
Sounds rich and textured. This could be good for you.
Right, so, I'm thinkin'…
The waiter character is third-generation from the Bronx.
His father always wanted to own his own restaurant.
He was a great cook,
and he took Corey to The Carlyle when he was a little boy for tea once,
so he's always had this emotional attachment to it.
Not sure how you'll convey all this with
"Would you like to charge it to your room?"
May I see the sides?
I'd like to prepare before we start.
Oh. Uh…
No, sorry, the two of us, we can handle it. That's why we came together.
Well, you should have read the waiver you signed,
because it stipulates that I read all off-camera lines.
Would you like to charge it to your room?
Oh, sorry, is that me?
Yes, Marcy, indeed it is.
Okay. Let's start again.
Pick up the pace.
Would you like to charge it to your room?
How is it that…
"Is it that?" That sounds weird.
I think we're good. Thank you, Marcy.
"Is it that?" That sounds weird, right?
- Thank you. - Thank you, Marcy.
How do you still have a place in LA after all these years?
Bought it, with the South Shore Hospital money.
- Oh, yeah! - Wow. I had a really great time.
I know! Right? I know.
Make yourself at home.
Wow. This place is crazy.
Sure beats the ol' dungeon.
"Turtle Diary. Directed by… John Irvin."
You've seen Turtle Diary?
Of course. You and Glenda Jackson free a couple of sea turtles
from the London Zoo, but you really free yourselves along the way.
Yeah. No, yeah. How am I just realizing that now?
Coronation Street. You played Ron Jenkins, right?
Well done!
A pint of bitter, please, and one for my friend.
Every Brit did their stint.
The producers were thrilled to get me after my run as Lear.
Oh, careful with that.
There's a tradition in the theater of handing down your prop
to the next generation.
This particular skull's had quite the journey.
It was used by David Garrick when he played Hamlet.
He gave it to Kean, who passed it to Irving,
who passed it to Burton, who left it in a bar, and I nicked it.
Is this you?
Yeah. My mother, Dorothy. She was a nurse.
She always believed I'd make a great performer one day,
have a positive impact on the world.
Max Factor's grandson used to live in that apartment.
Now we've got this.
When I ask him to stop, he just plays it louder.
Shall we get to work?
"Would you like to charge it to the room?"
"How is it that no matter who I bring in here--"
That should be "whom," by the way.
"Whom I bring in here, boy or girl,
"my mother or that odd poetry teacher I'm close with, you never judge?"
- "Who says?" - "Who says what?"
"That I don't judge? Maybe I'm just good at hiding it."
He stopped.
- Oh! - All right, let's, let's set up.
Uh, before we record, I had a thought.
I think, uh, the key to this role is finding what's not being said.
Think about what you're doing between your lines.
That's where the character--
Oh, bloody hell.
It's never been this hard to do a tape in my life.
Ruth Bakshi is never gonna work with me again.
- Ruth Bakshi? - Yes.
- Casting director on Wonder Man. - Yes.
- You better not mess this up. - I know!
We could shoot on the street or in your car.
What? No, it's… it's too weird. It's a waiter scene.
- You have any friends we could ask? - No.
- You've been out here for how long now? - Eight years.
Eight years? You don't have any friends?
What about you? You've been here for decades. Where are all your friends?
Used to have plenty.
Oh, there is someone I could ask.
We were both in South Shore Hospital together. I played the lead.
Somehow, he managed to get in the showrunner's ear.
He had my character killed off,
walked away with the lead role,
and the People's Choice Award for "Most Promising Newcomer."
Damn, that's cold.
He owes me.
Trevor Slattery!
I can't freaking believe it!
Oh! Oh!
Get in here.
Simon, Joe Pantoliano. Joe Pantoliano, Simon Williams.
- Everybody calls me Joey Pants. - Yeah, of course. It's a pleasure.
You know, I never eat a steak without thinkin' about you in The Matrix.
- Come on. - Everybody always go on and on
about Grodin and De Niro in Midnight Run,
but you were the third side of that triangle, man.
- I like this guy. - Wow…
You've done well for yourself, man. That's a lotta marble.
Yeah, well, my wife, she designed the place.
Uh, hang on a sec.
Gotta give the tree some light.
You know, Art Linkletter taught me a crucial lesson about show business.
It's not enough to make a living.
You gotta make a killing.
So, I got into real estate early on, bought in Venice way before Arnold.
Made a disgusting amount of money.
Just disgusting.
So, you guys hungry? My chef'd be happy to make you somethin'.
Well, we're not really here to socialize. We're on a tight schedule.
Oh, come on, Trev! Nestor's the best.
I just stole him from McConaughey.
Thank you, Nestor.
Ah, my favorite. We've got some duck prosciutto,
some roasted peppers from my garden,
and we just flew in the mozz fresh from Hoboken.
You can't audition on an empty stomach.
Here, sit down.
Okay.
You know, people don't appreciate
all the work that goes into the audition process.
I'm offer-only, so it's hard for me to relate.
Hmm.
Man, I'm so glad all that
Mandarin business is behind you.
I mean, the performance was good, but…
I was worried about you, man. That was some dark shit.
Simon, where the hell is this damn audition?
I'm sorry. I'm at Joe Pantoliano's house right now.
He just offered me mozz from Hoboken, he got a tree in the foyer.
I'm just tryna be polite. I'm in here code-switchin' and everything.
I don't give a damn if you was havin' sloppy joes with Sarah Paulson.
- You need to hurry the hell up. - No, that's why I'm here, to do the tape.
I'm just tryna stroke the man ego a little bit. Let me play this.
Just put your face sayin' the lines on a tape and get it to me.
- Okay! - Okay. All right,
and don't do what you always do, Simon, okay?
I know you're already overthinkin' and doin' that bullshit.
Just be normal, okay? Can you play that? Normal man! The breakdown is "go method."
You know, I don't think we've crossed swords
since we wrapped South Shore Hospital.
Sounds about right.
Well, I miss you, Dr. Jack.
What's that supposed to mean?
Dr. Jack Kronk, that was your character.
Oh, right. Lovely. Before you stole the lead from me.
What the hell are you talking about?
I'm surprised you'd bring that up, Joe Pantoliano. Right to my face.
Trevor, you were high, outta your mind.
You weren't showin' up to set, and… and when you did,
you were screaming white worms were coming out of your skin.
You told me that you couldn't handle the pressure of being the lead.
The showrunner had to rewrite to work around you,
until finally, the network had enough, killed you off.
Can we please tape this audition already, already?
So, let's shoot this, gentlemen, shall we?
That's quite a career.
Well, yeah. I've been lucky.
Hell, if I was British, they would've knighted me by now.
Can I, uh, can I give you some free advice?
Louis B. Mayer… He had a saying.
"The most important thing about acting is sincerity.
"Once you learn to fake that, you've got it made."
No, look, look… Show business, it's crazy.
It… It's built on a foundation of insanity,
so success is the collateral you use to build something real for yourself.
Remember this, acting…
it's just a job.
I mean, yeah, it's a great way to make a buck.
It's better than any other job out there,
but the minute you try to get somethin' else out of it,
fame, validation,
getting even with your parents, whatever… you're screwed.
You keep diggin' that hole, and you'll never get out.
I gotta say, Trev…
Oh, I envy you.
To finally be done with it all.
Must be nice, huh,
not to have to worry about your weight… or your appearance.
I mean, you can ignore the stupid trades.
Actually, he's not done with actin'.
Really?
He just had a huge audition for a lead role in a Von Kovak movie.
Well, holy shit, that's terrific!
Don't pretend to be happy for him, Joe Pantoliano.
- What? - You think you're bein' nice,
but you're actually condescendin' as shit.
Do you know that?
That speech was the dumbest, most patronizing thing I've ever heard!
- Amen. - Fellas…
You suck, Joe Pantoliano. Baby's Day Out is garbage.
Even that dumb baby couldn't make you funny.
Let's get the hell outta here, man.
Uh… Come on, guys.
Acting isn't a job.
It's a calling.
It's the single most consequential thing anyone could ever do with their life.
Barry!
What's this I'm hearing about a new Von Kovak movie,
and why am I not meeting on it?
Can you believe that guy?
You okay?
Sorry, that didn't quite work out.
It's all right, man.
I know a place we can go.
Just ignore the mess, okay?
I've been thinkin' about what you said earlier.
About how the key to this scene is… is findin' what's not bein' said.
All this time I've been assumin' the line,
"Maybe I'm just good at hiding it"
was like a general rebuff, tellin' the kid to watch himself.
Right.
But I'm wonderin' if the waiter's actually feeling some type of connection.
Like, maybe it's an invitation.
"Maybe I'm just good at hidin' it.
"You can trust me with your secrets.
"Feel free to tell me more." That kind of thing.
Might be worth a shot.
Yeah.
Would you like to charge it your room?
How is it that no matter whom I bring in here,
boy, girl, my mother,
or that odd poetry teacher I'm too close with…
you never judge?
Who says?
Who says what?
That I don't judge?
Maybe I'm just… good at hidin' it.
Who says?
Who says what?
That I don't judge?
Maybe I'm just good at hidin' it.
Do I send it?
You'd be crazy not to.
You think it's good?
It's transcendent.
Cool.
I gotta pee.
Yo, Trev, should I order a pizza?
Splendid.
All that runnin' around today, I'm starvin'.
Never had duck prosciutto before. It's not bad.
Yo, Trev, you like pepperoni?
Yeah.
Pepperoni.
No doubt.
I'll call it in.