[soft piano music playing]
[cheering]
[Robbie] You're onstage,
and you don't know the script, or you don't know what you're doin'.
"You don't deserve it."
"You can't do it."
You know, constantly havin' to deliver,
it just makes you feel queasy.
[cheering]
[soft music continues]
You just wanna run away sometimes.
I'm in a situation that's completely unreal.
It came true for me
onstage in Leeds.
People are just waitin' for me to fuck up.
[groans]
Yesterday, with Leeds,
I had to experience an awful lot.
I feel as though I'm wearing it today. It was a prolonged car crash.
As the days have progressed, doing this process, it seems that I've...
I've been on...
The dark night of the soul turned into a long weekend.
[muffled audio begins playing]
Hello.
Very gonzo, this.
This filming. Not a fuckin' clue what I'm doing.
Um...
But that's my life.
I've already done an hour's blog on this camera in this room,
but we didn't turn the mic on.
It would be good for people that can lipread.
I can't remember this.
- [man] At all? - No.
- What... What year is it? - [man] So this is 2007.
2007.
I can't remember
anythin' about this.
[sighs] It's... It's an instantly uncomfortable watch for some reason
'cause I'm getting some sort of energy from me that's...
All is not well.
[audio resumes]
This video blog has turned into somethin' different than I thought it was gonna be.
♪ Don't tell anyone I'm Jesus ♪
♪ All men are fools ♪
- ♪ And what makes them fools... ♪ - [current Robbie] I remember that now.
[singing continues on video]
I started to write a song today,
and it's called, "Don't Tell Anybody I'm Jesus."
It's a bit like "Mack The Knife" but, um...
sacrilegious.
[current Robbie] I'm off the wagon. That's where I am.
[sighs] Change the battery pack.
[current Robbie] Addicted to, um, prescribed speed...
Is it not plugged in?
[current Robbie] ...OxyContin, Adderall,
Vicodins, morphine.
You know, the greatest hits.
Fuckin' 'ell. Dunno if you can see the shiner I've got on my eye.
I had an altercation with, uh,
the bathroom floor.
Slipped
and took out the lighting... buttons.
What they called? Lighting buttons?
Light switches.
In the middle of the night, I got up to go to the toilet,
and my legs weren't working because I'd just taken a load of stuff.
I literally couldn't figure out how to use my legs,
but I needed to go the toilet, and I collapsed and fell into the wall.
I've also decided that
I'm not fit for purpose when it comes to relationships.
I'd be with somebody but then see somebody else and think,
"Oh. Want that one."
I'm a want monster, I...
I need... everything.
[young Robbie] Concerning who I sleep with,
it's as old as time,
the rock star sleeping with the groupie or the fan.
You know, I'm not the first, and I won't be the last.
[current Robbie] A friend of mine suggested that I have a date
with this person that was a good friend of his,
and, uh, I looked her up and was like, "Oh yeah!"
- Please welcome the lovely Ayda Field. - [cheering]
[jazz music playing]
[cheering, applause]
- Well, hello. - Yeah. [chuckles]
Hello! [chuckles]
[Ayda] I was actually in a really good place, I think,
when I met Rob.
I had this dinner party I was going to.
I was like, "Do you wanna go to the dinner party with me?"
He's like, "I'd rather stick knives in my eyes."
I was like, "Okay, that's a strong response."
He's like, "Let's meet up afterwards," and I was like, "Okay."
♪ My love must be a kind of blind love... ♪
[current Robbie] She came over to my house after being at a party.
I'd just seen off my dealer, that I was sleeping with at the time.
[Ayda] The house is completely fuckin' dark.
No candles. No lights. I'm like, "Ooh, this is weird."
So we're just sitting there talking. We have nothing in common.
[current Robbie] And I was like, "Oh, this is not working out."
"I'd better take her back to the party she's just come from."
♪ Are the stars out tonight? ♪
[Ayda] Unbeknownst to me, Rob is actually gonna ditch me at this party.
I guess we start... Maybe 'cause we'd both surrendered to the fact
that we were not each other's person, and this was a total mess,
we were completely loose with each other.
We were saying funny shit in the car, and I was like, "Oh, he's funny."
[Robbie] And I was like, "Oh. I'll come in for five minutes."
["Too Late to Turn Back Now" playing]
[Ayda] And there was just this moment we were laughing,
and I cannot even tell you what happened. It was like the universe opened up.
[current Robbie] And I had this moment where I felt I'd known her forever.
I guess I chose to ignore it.
[Ayda] All of a sudden, Rob's like, "I need to go to the bathroom."
I'm, like, waiting.
I'm like, "God. Is he, like, taking a dump?"
[current Robbie] Um...
I then did some coke.
I got this tic. It was like...
[gasps, gasps, exhales]
[gasps, exhales, gasps exhales]
So I'm like, "I'm gonna get out and see what's happened."
There he is, pacing. He's thrown up, and he's clucking.
I was like, "Ah, we gotta go."
[current Robbie] She ended up comin' home and nursing me.
[Ayda] Then we just talked all night.
I think he explained that he'd been sober for a very long time.
He had just relapsed.
It was like my entryway into addiction.
[Robbie on video] I shall try and remember what it was that I was sayin'.
[Ayda] You wouldn't notice his personality change,
but all of a sudden, he would just throw up, like, watching TV.
"Robbie Williams is music for people who don't feel."
[Ayda] I didn't know this... this area where someone could be doing drugs
and have a problem and it be, like, deadly.
"Robbie's a showbiz chancer." Yeah, I am.
The meanness, nasty, vitriolic bollocks,
that "Robbie Williams is a shit joke."
I remember that being very scary 'cause all of a sudden, I was, like...
I was really... liking this person a lot.
[young Robbie] Do I hate music, then?
Is that what I do?
"To me, Robbie Williams is a crime against music."
"What don't I love about music?" "You have so much rage."
Fuckin' hate...
Do you really think God is more proud
of Bobby Gillespie
or Gareth Gates?
...wants to set me on fire.
Somebody to hate.
[Ayda] Here was this incredibly troubled soul
who was, like, a rock star in some other country
and clearly fucked up about it and a complete mess
and yet so
my person. Like, my fucking soulmate.
[young Robbie] ...didn't know who the fuck I was.
Yeah, I mean, that, um...
that stare there doesn't look like mine.
I did have a sense of what I was doin' to myself.
And I didn't care.
And... And there is a... a sense of
"It would be best if I sorta passed away."
Um...
I didn't care, and it'd be all right.
[poignant music playing]
That's where your addiction takes you.
That's where it ends up.
The natural progression
of "Let's see how far we can take this."
[young Robbie] "Robbie Williams is music for people who don't feel."
[cheering]
[current Robbie] The thing that would destroy me
has also made me successful.
Big. More.
Touch the fire. Touch the button. Push when it says "pull."
All of those things have given me my career,
but there's also a detrimental side to it too.
Depends which wolf you feed.
[cheering]
For me to change, I've gotta be dyin'.
Die or stop what you're doin'.
[Ayda] I remember it was, like, 2 a.m.
I called him. I was just getting on the highway.
"Are you driving?" "Just got on the highway."
He was like, "Call me when you get home."
[current Robbie] I tell her, "Look, my management have come,
and they've done an intervention, and they're gonna take me to rehab."
[Ayda] And he is like, "I can't be in a relationship."
"I have to get better, and I can't be with you."
"I have to break up with you." I was just like... [exhales]
And it was, like, I un... I understood it 'cause I was like...
I saw that he was unwell, and I... I remember thinking,
"I just want you to get better. Whatever you need to do,"
and I was just so crestfallen.
He was my soulmate, and then he was gone.
[woman 1] Robbie Williams is waking up in rehab this morning
on his 33rd birthday.
[man] You can't miss the front pages this morning.
Full of the tragedy that seems to follow in the wake
of Robbie Williams and his turbulent lifestyle.
It's claimed today that he's gone into rehab
to avoid doing himself some harm.
[woman 2] After admitting to being hooked on a cocktail of prescription drugs,
he needed to check into rehab before, in Robbie's words,
he did "something silly."
[tense music playing]
[current Robbie] Rehab. It's not a country club.
It's a hospital.
Some people can envision rehab as being like, um,
a health retreat.
It's not that.
Surrounded by
other people that are completely depressed
and, um, have just fucked up their lives.
Understanding the nature of what and who you are.
An addict.
Rehab cut the circuit on the addiction.
It gave me a moment to recalibrate
and see if I can live.
[gasps]
My professional career had become that big,
the only thing that I could do for self-preservation
was to take myself out of it.
If you don't start the process,
then the process seldom finds you.
[air-traffic-control radio chatter]
[relaxed guitar playing]
[current Robbie] At this period in my life, I know I'm retired.
Taking down the dam.
Tryin' to undo all pop-starry apparel.
Me and Ayda got back together again.
I remember we went to Morocco,
Egypt.
I thought, "Better go and see these places
that I've been to for work and never seen."
I remember me mate, Calvin, takin' a picture of Ayda.
She was dancin' on somethin'.
I just remember lookin' at the picture and just goin',
"What a life force."
"What a spirit."
But I remember that photo. It's...
It's burned into my mind.
There was a cementing of a relationship between me and my future wife.
But, um...
if you'd have asked me what I was doing during that,
I wouldn't have known that.
There became enough space between me and my career...
[inhales deeply]
[sighs]
...to fall in love.
[tranquil music playing]
- [Ayda] Okay. - [woman] Do her.
- I'll just do... I'll do Sarah. - [woman] Do Sarah.
[Ayda] I'll do Sarah.
I've lost 17 inches in my face.
Three in my dimples alone. All while eating cheesecake.
- [woman] Very good. - Love creamy foods.
Really creamy foods.
[man] That is unbelievable.
- [woman] Isn't it? - [Ayda] I know, isn't it weird?
[man] Change to normal face... So, high five!
- [man] Change back. - [woman] "Change back"!
- [man] That is-- - [woman] It's a new game. Change!
[Ayda] I've no idea how I developed this talent.
[woman] Do you think it's because
you can fit more marshmallows in your mouth?
Yeah, I mean, what a package, man.
Silly and, uh,
doesn't take herself seriously and smart and beautiful.
Makes me feel great,
you know?
When you look there, it's obvious that
something really special's happenin'.
It's really cool.
- [woman] You know why he doesn't like it? - [Ayda] Why?
- [woman] He has to win at everything. - [woman 2] He did it when he was watching.
- [woman] Yeah, he was like... - Try and do it.
- [woman 2] You do it and watch Rob. - Come on, Boozy, you can do it.
[Robbie] She sees the best in me, and I see the best in her.
[laughter]
[woman] Fuck you.
- You know how I like to eat a lot? - Yeah.
- That's the face of the future. - [laughter]
- Yeah, you've seen mine, so that's okay. - Aw.
[Robbie] So I don't do anything for three years.
The powers had gone. The mojo had gone.
I... I had a big realization that I needed purpose.
That I needed to be creative and have a voice.
[young Robbie] This is Robbie Williams. This is what I do for a livin'.
Right here.
I'm a singer, I'm a songwriter, and I'm a born entertainer.
[cheering]
Thank God for Ayda.
Solace and safety and sanctuary and...
all of the good things.
She gave me enough space
for it to be a possibility.
[Ayda] You're so pretty, aren't you?
Yes, you are! You doing your little sashay for us?
Are we in the right house? Think we are.
[Ayda] Ah, pretty girl.
- [man] What you calling the new album? - [Robbie] Reality Killed the Video Star.
Or Il Protagonista.
Or PoliteBox 'cause the last one was RudeBox .
Ding When You're Ding-Dong Dingin'.
Uh...
Or... What were the good ones, bab?
Oh yeah. Robbie Williams and the Cock of Justice. I love that.
[current Robbie] It was gonna take a while ,
but Reality Killed the Video Star was a tentative step back
into public life.
["Morning Sun" playing]
After the RudeBox album,
I head into very safe musical waters.
♪ How do you rate the morning sun? ♪
♪ Good morning Mr. McCarrower ♪
♪ We'll love the same old Jesus again ♪
♪ Stoke the flames lit by the fuse... ♪
[current Robbie] I have to collect myself and... and... and...
put some real thought behind this fuckin' thing.
Or else my career's gonna fall to shit.
♪ I always wanted more from life ♪
♪ But you didn't have the appetite ♪
[song continues on video]
"Find a hit, fatty."
[sings to "Morning Sun" tune]
♪ Tell me how do you Raise the morning sun? ♪
[current Robbie] Trevor had made a lot of albums that I love,
and everybody that I work with and me knew that we were just in safe hands.
- [Trevor] Hey, it's not bad. - It's not bad.
- [Trevor] It's not bad, yeah. - Yeah.
I don't think I've ever been this much unsure of myself, comin' back.
Returning to the scene of the accident.
[young Robbie] Press release was in, uh...
has gone out sayin' the new album's called
Reality Killed the Video Star.
And, uh...
it's number two in the BBC News most read,
so that's cool.
Uh...
And apparently, the, uh,
website statistics have gone through the roof.
I'm very 'appy. Very 'appy.
Uh, day two. "Bodies."
- [ "Bodies" plays quietly] - [wistful music overlaps]
We had three years of our relationship with Rob
before I was really introduced to Robbie.
Robbie is like a completely different person.
I was excited for him, but I was a little worried
because I don't know what it's like to have 80,000 people looking at you
on a nightly basis and what that does to your psychology.
[current Robbie] I've gotta get back on this wild horse
that keeps buckin' me off.
Yeah, it's weird. I've not done any
singin' and dancin' for three years.
Last time, this wild horse did the equivalent of breakin' my neck.
What's it gonna do this time?
[Dermot O'Leary] Now he's back, and boy, is he back.
He is one of the greatest entertainers this country's ever known. We love him.
This is Mr. Robbie Williams.
- [ "Bodies" playing] - [cheering]
[current Robbie] When I came back in 2009,
I did a performance of "Bodies" on The X Factor
and just completely had a freak-out.
♪ God gave me the sunshine ♪
♪ Then showed me my lifeline ♪
♪ I was told it was all mine ♪
♪ I got laid on the ley line ♪
♪ What a day, what a day ♪
♪ And then Jesus really died for me ♪
How you doin'?
[cheering]
- [current Robbie] Robbie didn't come . - ♪ Jesus really tried for me... ♪
[current Robbie] And the everyday Rob was there instead.
♪ Wanna feed off the energy ♪
♪ I love living like a deity ♪
♪ One a day, one day ♪
♪ And then Jesus really died for me ♪
What a pleasure. What a pleasure.
- ♪ Jesus really tried for me... ♪ - [audio distorts]
[current Robbie] I just couldn't latch onto anythin'
to make it make sense while I was performin'.
[uneasy music playing]
Everything felt completely unnatural and scary.
♪ Oh ♪
[current Robbie] It's just everythin' was so overwhelming, and I couldn't hide it.
I loved it. I loved it.
Great audience. What a fantastic audience. Thank you!
[current Robbie] The whole thing that happened in Leeds
had a... a lasting effect that had damaged me psychologically.
[uneasy music playing]
I'm just unsure
of everythin', everybody, and everything.
Apart from Ayda.
I'm so uncomfortable in my skin 'ere.
[quiet instrumental music playing]
[Mark Owen] The door's always open for Rob.
If ever he's bored one day, and we're on the road,
and he's sat at home, and he wants to come up and,
you know, sing a song,
he's more than welcome to do that. We'll 'ave a spare mic ready for 'im.
[woman] One of Britain's biggest boy bands, Take That, split up.
But, a decade on, they're back together, albeit without Robbie Williams,
and they're back at the top of the charts.
[current Robbie] I watched the Circus tour .
It's one of the best shows I'd ever seen.
And I got
incredibly excited by it.
And then a door opened where I was like...
"Cor, I wanna...
wanna experience that ."
[instrumental music playing]
[current Robbie] There's a reason why I left Take That so angry.
[young Robbie] I want you to know that I probably will be a bit quiet.
I'm just a bit nervous and a bit scared, and I have been for a few days, you know,
and I wanna, um...
It's gonna take a while though, mate. It's took us four years.
Shoulda seen us lot when we got back together after that time.
Took us a long time to get to know each other again, didn't it?
[current Robbie] My anger has dissipated and gone now,
and all that's left is the four lads in a room,
and I realized very quickly that they love me, and I love them.
[Gary] To me, it seems like just a beautiful moment
for us to be intro-ing you, saying hi to you.
"Here's our friend, Robbie." Off you go.
[current Robbie] I remember havin' a meetin' with my management,
Dave and Tim, at the time, and they got these flip charts out.
They were just, like, "Right, okay."
[posh accent] "So, if you went on tour by yourself,
this is what you would make."
[normal voice] It was just, like, unbelievable amounts of money.
[posh accent] "And if you work with Take That, you get this."
[normal voice] And I was like,
"Lads, I'm still gonna be joinin' Take That."
[posh accent] "Okay."
["The Flood" playing]
♪ Standing ♪
♪ On the edge of forever ♪
♪ At the start of whatever ♪
♪ Shouting love at the world... ♪
[current Robbie] When I'm in Take That,
there's four other bodies next to you displacing the responsibility of
the eyes on you.
♪ Although no-one understood ♪
♪ We were holding back the flood ♪
♪ Yeah, we danced against the rain ♪
♪ We were holding back the flood ♪
♪ They said we'd never dance again ♪
- ♪ We will meet you ♪ - [audience screaming]
♪ Where the lights are ♪
♪ The defenders of the faith we are ♪
♪ When the thunder turns around ♪
♪ They'll run so hard We'll tear the ground away... ♪
[current Robbie] Rejoining Take That really helped me.
Propelled me back in.
Helped me to hide in public, to be camouflaged but seen.
♪ Yeah ♪
[current Robbie] Great Britain was ours for that summer.
♪ Although no-one understood ♪
♪ There was more of them than us ♪
♪ Learning how to dance the rain ♪
♪ There was more of them than us ♪
♪ Now they'll never dance again... ♪
[current Robbie] I felt like pop star Robbie Williams.
And rejoining Take That
was a vitally important part of my journey
to where I am now.
[cheering on video]
Where I've gotten to and what's happened to my career since then...
is a miracle.
The thing that's made me feel safe a lot of the time,
is no matter about the slings and arrows or how I feel about myself in my head,
there's this incredible audience that comes and sees me.
[cheering]
My audience has protected me through the years.
It's funny as I get older, if somebody says,
"I've been to a show and really enjoyed it," I almost cry.
W... We did that together.
We understood each other, and we created a moment together
that will remain etched in our souls and our spirit.
And I'm... I'm ever so grateful that we get to share that experience.
[tranquil music playing]
[man] How has this process been for you?
[current Robbie] It's a tough watch.
But I feel good because...
there was a lot of levity and a lot of humor and a lot of silliness.
There was a softness...
in this footage that I wasn't expectin' to see.
It is cathartic.
I will walk out of here
less heavy, emotionally, than I was before.
I can stick a pin in this now and move on.
[plays piano softly]
♪ So many tears ♪
♪ I've cried over you... ♪
[song continues]
[current Robbie] I have, uh... some acceptance and love for me.
[man] That... That feels huge, man.
Yeah, that does feel... that does feel big.
That's not what I was expecting to feel at the end of this.
♪ And I bite my tongue ♪
♪ Even though it causes the pain... ♪
[current Robbie] I'm a different person now.
♪ ...inside me ♪
Thank the Lord.
There is a happy endin'.
For me, anyway.
[Teddy] ♪ Running across the field ♪
♪ Screaming full of joy ♪
♪ Now, baby, I can see ♪
♪ That I'm pretty perfect ♪
♪ And everybody can see... ♪
I guess the god-shaped hole has been filled with four kids and a wife.
♪ Everybody can see-ee-ee ♪
[current Robbie] Good.
♪ Life's pretty perfect to me ♪
Full marks.
[song continues playing]
[song ends]
- [woman] Morning, my love. - Mornin', darlin'.
- Can I get you anything? - [Robbie] Uh, no, thank you.
All good.
Okay, I'll put this on.
[Ayda] Daddy's going on a plane, Beau-beaus.
[Beau] Why?
- [Ayda] He's gotta go to work. - [Beau] I wanna go on plane.
- [Ayda] You wanna go with Daddy to work? - [Beau] Yeah.
- [Ayda] Are you gonna sing? - [Beau] Yeah.
- [Robbie, Ayda] What you gonna sing? - [Beau] Uh...
[Beau] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Can I have a goodbye cuddle?
[Beau] Yes.
- [Robbie] I love you. - [Beau] Okay.
- Who loves you? - [Beau] Uh...
- Mummy. - [Ayda] Yes!
[Robbie] Who else loves you?
- You! - [chuckles] Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
[Ayda] We love you so much, Beau-beaus.
[Beau] Yeah.
Who loves you ?
Daddy. Who loves you ?
- [Robbie] Mummy. - Mm-hmm.
I really, like, have had a knot in my stomach all day.
[poignant music playing]
[Robbie] I'm about to leave for the longest that I've ever left them.
I hate it.
But it makes me feel happy,
knowing what I can provide for my kids and my wife.
It gives me purpose, and I need purpose.
Ted, come and give me a cuddle. Mummy, will you get Charlie?
[Ayda] Charlie!
- Come here, Charlie. - [man] Oh, there he is.
- [Ayda] Where's Coco? - I love you, mate.
- [Ayda] Will you get Coco? - Look at me. I'm really proud of you.
- [Charlie] Do you have to go? - Yeah.
- [Ayda] I love you, Boozy. - Love you, guys.
[exhales deeply]
[emotional music playing]
[current Robbie] Who knows what's to come?
But now I realize that in this period,
and for the longest period in my life ever, I suppose,
yeah, this is, um... a golden period.
[cheering]
I live in a different way now.
I live in a different manner.
There is an acceptance to what my life is.
And I don't try to push against it or fight against it.
And I've figured out how to live in it.
I'm comfortable.
I'm a dad of four in a lovin' marriage with a lovin' wife.
I'm on my way to bein' really, really happy.
The miracles that have been bestowed upon me in this life...
are so bountiful
and so incredible,
there is a need and a want in me
to be able to figure out how to enjoy this,
by any means necessary.
[cheering]
It's different now.
What a joy.
What a glorious adventure.
[music intensifies]
[cheering]
["Feel" playing]
♪ Come on, hold my hand ♪
♪ I wanna contact the living ♪
♪ Not sure I understand ♪
♪ This role I've been given ♪
♪ I sit and talk to God ♪
♪ And he just laughs at my plans ♪
♪ My head speaks a language ♪
♪ I don't understand ♪
♪ I just wanna feel real love ♪
♪ Feel the home that I live in ♪
♪ 'Cause I got too much life ♪
♪ Running through my veins ♪
♪ Going to waste ♪
♪ I don't wanna die ♪
♪ But I ain't keen on living either ♪
♪ Before I fall in love ♪
♪ I'm preparing to leave her ♪
♪ I scare myself to death ♪
♪ That's why I keep on running ♪
♪ Before I've arrived ♪
♪ I can see myself coming ♪
♪ I just wanna feel real love ♪
♪ Feel the home that I live in ♪
♪ 'Cause I got too much life ♪
♪ Running through my veins ♪
♪ Going to waste ♪