♪ No one knows ♪
♪ No one cares ♪
♪ I keep dressing up myself And go nowhere ♪
♪ No one loves me ♪
♪ Like I do ♪
♪ And to think there was a time When that was you ♪
♪ I... ♪
Oh my God, you're late.
I know. - Have to do the first segment.
I'd love to apologize, Morgan, but I can't.
What?
I just had the single greatest kiss of my entire existence.
Okay, great. Save it for the show because I have nothing to talk about this week.
I've had a UTI for the last three days, and I didn't even get it the fun way.
- Here's your cranberry juice. - Thank you.
I used to get them all the time with your father.
- Mom. - Gross.
- Morgan, you're gonna die. - Okay.
Noah and I were playing this fun cat-and-mouse game,
pretending let's just be friends.
And, obviously, we both know that is never gonna happen.
Okay, go on.
I did this cute thing at the restaurant
where I was like, "I don't think I can stay."
Let me guess. You stayed.
- Oh, I stayed. - Yeah.
And then we walked down the street and ate ice cream.
You know when you see annoying couples eating ice cream, and you wanna kill them?
We were that couple!
Okay, keep going.
Then he said, "Put down your ice cream."
- I don't hate that. - Me neither 'cause he was taking charge.
Okay. And did you do what you were told?
I mean, obviously.
- Yes, chef. - Mm-hmm.
And then you know what happens next.
You went back and fucked in the bathroom.
No, we just kissed. I said that on the way in.
Maybe that's why you have all those UTIs. My God.
I mean, it's possible.
- Remind me who the guest is tonight. - Okay, it is Dr. Jay Shah.
- My idea. That makes me nervous.
He wrote a book about how your aura indicates what kind of person you are.
Oh, that sounds... stupid.
Oh, he's not stupid. He has a degree from the University of Turks and Caicos.
Okay. - You need to be fact-checking that.
I did. Kind of.
Where's his biography?
There's nothing here.
There's just quotes and birds.
Hey! Oh! Hey, dude, where you been?
What the hell happened?
I got, like, ten calls from Rebecca's phone.
It was her mom saying she's almost in a coma.
I don't know what almost in a coma means. But yeah, she's okay.
Yeah?
She ran into the back of a parked bus and she, like, broke her wrist.
She's gotta have a surgery to put a pin in there.
- Her wrist? - Yeah.
- That's it? - Yeah, that's it.
- So she's fine. She's okay.
- Thank God. - Dude, she's better than okay.
She's gonna get painkillers, and gonna be able to take a couple of day off of work.
God, wait. Should I drive into the back of a bus?
- Honestly, I like that for you. - Yeah.
Oh, wait. There... Uh, one more little bit of fun news for you.
Mom and Dad are with Rebecca's parents, and they're sniping at one another.
The only thing they agree on is that they're all mad at you.
What are they mad at me for?
Well, you're the one that, like, caused the accident.
- Obviously. - What?
She's, like, so heartbroken that she ran into a bus. It's easy math.
Wait a second.
Do they think she...
like, tried to, like...
What, kill herself?
Because of...
...because of... because of you?
No, look. You're cute, but you're not
"leave this Earth because you dumped someone" cute.
I didn't dump her, okay?
People break up. It happens all the time.
I don't care. I'm just trying to tell you what the people inside are saying.
I'm playing both sides,
trying to defend you while also defending myself.
Great. Thank you so much. - Yeah.
Where were you? Were you out with that tiny blonde girl?
- Uh, I'm not gonna answer that right now. - Okay, so that's a yes.
We had a really nice time.
You had a really nice time. God, you tell the worst stories.
Your aura is...
It's not a forest green. It's more emerald.
It means that you are very generous.
Oh... my God!
This stuff actually works because that is me. That is me.
You literally Venmo requested me for a smoothie this morning.
So? - Do Joanne now.
Oh, sure. Yeah.
Oh no, no. I'm good. I'm okay. Thank you though.
Please. It's like having Jason Mraz here, and you don't ask him to sing "I'm Yours?"
Mom, you're obsessed with Jason Mraz.
I see your point, Mom. Okay, go for it.
- All right? Right. Okay. - Bring it. Yes.
Okay, for our listeners,
the doctor is moving his hands around my sister's face.
Oh.
Yep. What? Why are you touching me? 'Cause you didn't touch anybody else.
I'm having a little bit of a hard time finding your aura.
Wow.
I'm not finding it. It's rare, but it happens.
That's bad.
Do you think it's possible that you can't find it
because this is not real?
Oh! So cynical. Starting to make sense now.
- See? This is why she never got married. - Better than being divorced.
Don't lash out, honey. It doesn't help your case.
- I'm not trying to prove anything. You're screaming.
I'm literally not screaming.
- Wow. She gets like this. - Oh?
Do you wanna hear something weird? She's dating a rabbi.
Oh! Really?
Huh.
"Huh"?
What does "huh" mean?
Well, it's just that people who are close to God have such powerful auras,
whereas yours is... eh.
I have to say it. I don't think you're allowed to wear that kimono.
My partner is Japanese,
so... arigato.
- You want it too. Yulia, don't worry. Ah.
Hey, everyone.
It's a shame she had to have an accident to get you to pay attention to her.
Well, I'm here.
Where have you been, son?
How is she?
- Sh... sh... she's in God's hands. Right.
And how is the wrist?
There's no way to know.
Okay. Can I go see her?
Why? To break her heart too?
No, well... I'm here to make sure Rebecca's okay.
You don't need to see her. She's gone through enough.
I spoke to the nurses. She's gonna be fine.
Suddenly, he's a doctor.
Actually, had my older brother Sidney not died from typhoid,
I would've gone to medical school.
I filled out all the forms and everything.
- You hear that? He filled out the forms. - He did. I was there.
And they were very difficult and very complicated.
Thank you.
Anatoly, I will let those insulting comments go
due to our long-term friendship and the stress of the situation.
The cafeteria was closed, but here's what I was able to grab from vending.
Noah, how nice of you to finally join us.
I'm so happy to be here, Esther. Thank you for the warm welcome.
Okay, and your phone was broken for the last two hours, or--
I had turned it off so I could focus.
Oh, focus. Okay.
I'm sure whatever you were doing, you were on top of it.
That's brutal.
Noah, tell me you've come to your senses.
Of course you have. You know I told you that this is just a phase.
All we want to hear is that your heart is open to a reunion. Huh?
Tonight, let's focus our energy on Rebecca getting better.
- Give thanks for that. - Amen.
Bullshit. He's changing the subject.
You're old enough to be grandparents. What the hell are you waiting for?
Oh, he's not waiting. He got himself a shiksa.
Damn it, Esther.
- You're cheating on my daughter? - No, nobody's cheating.
- Did you know? - A shiksa? Absolutely not.
- I'm shocked. - I gotta go.
No, you're not. You knew. You had to know. You just didn't want me to know.
- Honey. Honey.
I'd never speak to you again. - Honey, don't--
I would have been great in medical school too.
What?
I would've done great in medical school. I didn't fill out the forms, but...
I'm just having trouble computing how you go from a kiss that passionate
and then you just don't respond for over three hours.
Maybe his side of the kiss
was not the same mouth experience as your side of the kiss.
- Trust me. That's not the case. Okay.
- It does feel weird--
- Wait. I agree. It's weird.
Is that him?
No, it's my pharmacy telling me to pick up my Xanax.
- Well, you better go get it. - You think I sound crazy?
No! - Oh, crazy? No. No.
- I'm just joking. - We're all a little crazy. Come here.
My little angel.
That's nice.
- What was the last thing you texted him? - Oh, I sent... Well, just read it.
Okay.
I think I nailed it.
Mm-hmm. I'm sure you did.
I'm sorry. "I think I might be pregnant"?
Don't just read that part. You have to read the first text.
Okay. "That was a great kiss."
Yeah, it's a joke. "That was a great kiss. I think I might be pregnant." It's funny.
- Ooh. - I don't get it.
Listen. Okay, guys do not like pregnancy jokes.
He's confused. He's a rabbi. He has a different brain than you.
Come on, you have to admit you guys are a weird pair, no?
- Why? - Why what?
Why are we a weird pair? Just because he's a rabbi?
No, I'm just saying, you know, like, when I met him,
he seemed very... responsible
and, like, kind.
And you...
Have edge, dear.
I'm not a bad person.
We're not saying that you are.
We're just saying that you're, like, sort of a bad person
relative to a man of God.
Yeah.
I could see you with a cult leader.
That I could see.
- Noah. - Huh?
- Noah! - What? What?
What do you... What? What do you wanna say?
So... so many things.
Uh, the woman in there, the goddess who's always been too good for you,
she is currently fighting for her life.
My dad just said she's gonna be fine.
- Your dad doesn't know shit. - Actually, he was almost a doctor.
Yeah, and I almost fucked Adam Levine in 2003,
but you don't see me flying high on the Maroon 5 jet, do ya?
Was it worth it?
Was what worth it?
Your little blonde friend who can't stop talking about ass play on her podcast.
You were just talking about fucking Adam Levine.
- Almost-- - You fucked Adam Levine?
Almost fucked Adam Levine. And honestly, at least he's Jewish.
I know my man's Jewish. When did you almost fuck Adam Levine?
In Cabo, baby. You know this.
We are not done here, Noah.
What are we even doing?
Yeah, what are we doing? I'm lost.
I'll tell you what he's doing.
He's throwing away a relationship with literally the perfect woman.
Okay, okay.
Listen. She's not dying. You can still be friends with her.
Yeah, you can still be friends with her.
But you're not just breaking up with her.
You're breaking up the whole family.
Strong Jewish guilt you're giving.
Yeah. I feel like you could use a little.
She still loves you.
Breaking up the family? What the fuck? I'm sorry, man.
Honey, Adam Levine?
Was that so hard to believe?
I don't know. You just seem, like, aggressive.
He seems like... More like a gentle type, I guess.
I mean, it's pretty late. Maybe he just hasn't seen it yet.
I sent it 15 minutes after we left each other.
You think he's just, like, at home
and, you know, brushing his teeth, getting ready for bed,
setting his alarm from his phone, and then didn't check his texts?
No. No, he's seen it for sure.
God! Why do I always have to make a joke?
Most girls would be like, "That was a lovely night. I had a great time."
But most girls are boring.
Guys seem to like that.
But, like, who cares what they like, right?
Yes! Yes!
Who cares?
I certainly don't.
I'm not spiraling.
It... I mean, I stand by the fact that it was a joke
because it was, and it was funny, and I kissed him very well.
I'm sure.
So I'm not worried about that at all
because I know I'm a great kisser, and I'm good. I'm totally good.
- Great. I am great, actually.
- Yes. Okay. Great. Great. Okay.
Hoo!
- My God. She's in a complete spiral.
♪ The whole world is weighing you down... ♪
Cult leader.
Those guys are superhot, so...
Yes, I knew it.
Oh, fucking Kyle.
No, thanks.
Actually... Wait.
Oh! That was fast.
- Hey, I have a question for you. - Yes, you can come over.
I'm not interested in your booty calls anymore. I have a serious question.
Do you think I'm a good person?
- Like, first thing that comes to mind. - No.
Well, think about it for a second. I mean, really give it some time.
Let it marinate.
When I think of Joanne, I think of someone who is
goo...
Oh, okay. I see what you're doing.
You're calling the worst person you know
because only someone as shitty as me would think
that somebody as shitty as you isn't really that bad, huh?
No, I'm not-- Oh shit!
Nailed it.
God, I love this. Getting honest with each other, you know?
- Wait. What? No. Ho-hold on, hold on.
Can I tell you something personal?
I'm so rock hard right now, it hurts.
- Hi, little buddy.
Where's your mom and dad?
Okay. Yeah, I could be into this.
- Um... -
Mommy and Daddy are in Phoenix right now
where they have a time-share.
Ew! Kyle, can you not?
What? You started this, Joanne. Fuck. I--
You know what, Kyle? I just remembered. I actually don't care what you think.
- Buddy! Doggy!
Come here, dog!
- Where... Oh, hi.
What do you want? What do I have?
I have half a cracker,
um, a mint, and a hair tie.
- Want any of these? Come here.
Hey.
Hi.
Come here.
You know what? This is my favorite sweatshirt,
and they discontinued it, but I'm gonna ruin it for ya.
Whoo. Okay. Hi.
Oh.
- It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
Oh, dog.
Can I ask you a question?
Having known me for the last 30 seconds,
do you think I'm good enough to be with someone who's, like,
really good?
Like, extremely good?
Okay. I'm gonna take that as a yes.
Well, that's kind of fun. Okay, um...
Should I get bangs?
Okay. No bangs.
All right.
Oh my God. With all the tourists and the screaming and the kvetching,
it's hard to think straight in there.
Yeah.
Most of that noise is just people yelling at me.
Oh, come on.
I've been sitting here
thinking, I wonder if I am the reason that Rebecca got into an accident.
Oh, stop that.
How selfish is it to want someone new and exciting,
no matter how long it would last, no matter who it hurts?
Just been wondering if I'm a terrible person.
You, a terrible person?
Come on. Not a chance.
Be honest.
Do you think I'm making a mistake ending things with Rebecca?
- You're asking me? - I'm asking.
Noah, I think Rebecca is a wonderful girl.
She's terrific.
I think with a girl like this on your arm, you'll have a beautiful life.
On the other hand, Noah,
you're gonna be the one who'll have to live with the regret
or the joy of this decision.
Only you. Not Esther. Not your mother. Certainly not me.
I have my wife for many years. I'm very happy.
If you tell her that I said any of this,
I'll deny it because she'll come to kill me.
Are we doing big hugs?
Yeah, let me get in on that. Oh, yeah.
Noah?
Hey. Did you get a dog?
What are you doing here?
Well, uh...
I had a rough night. Tell you about it later.
But I just found myself driving over here on the off chance I'd get to see you.
Then I thought maybe it's a bit much to ring your doorbell at 2:00 a.m.
So... I was trying to decide if I should just leave and never admit I came here.
Did you get my texts?
'Cause when you didn't text back, I kind of got in my head about it.
You're pregnant.
Congratulations. That's amazing.
I knew I was a good kisser, but this...
I mean, this has never happened to me.
See? I knew it was funny, and I knew you'd get it.
Why didn't you text back?
I didn't get the text till 20 minutes ago. I left the phone in my car.
Sorry about that.
So, uh,
who's this handsome gentleman or gentlelady
that, uh, you're coming home with so late?
Just some cutie I picked up.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Should I be jealous?
I mean,
this thick boy did stare deeply into my eyes the entire way home,
and I felt very seen, so maybe.
Okay. I am, then.
- Where'd you find him? - On the street.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
My friend runs a rescue place, so I'm gonna bring him there in the morning.
Well, you saved a dog tonight. You did a mitzvah.
It's a good deed.
Oh. Yeah, I did a mitzvah.
Yeah.
- May I? You have a... - What?
...twig in your hair.
Oh God. - You have a lot in your hair.
What? - Well, leaves and... just foliage.
I'm glad to see you.
Glad to see you too.
♪ Must be love on the brain ♪
- ♪ That's got me feeling this way ♪ - ♪ Feeling this way ♪
♪ It beats me black and blue But it... me so good ♪
♪ And I can't get enough ♪
♪ Must be love on the brain ♪
- ♪ And it keeps cursing my name ♪ - ♪ Cursing my name ♪
♪ No matter what I do I'm no good without you ♪
♪ And I can't get enough Must be love on the brain ♪
- ♪ That's got me feeling this way ♪ - ♪ Feeling this way ♪
♪ It beats me black and blue But it... me so good ♪
♪ And I can't get enough ♪
♪ Must be love on the brain ♪
- ♪ And it keeps cursing my name ♪ - ♪ Cursing my name ♪
♪ No matter what I do I'm no good without you ♪
♪ And I can't get enough Must be... ♪