[birds chirping]
[alarm blaring]
[turns off alarm]
[Samberg] Welcome back to the amped-up brain
of Sherman Oaks' favorite little try-hard, Ben Gross.
I am Andy Samberg, and I'll once again be your guide
to this kid's complicated interior life.
Feel free to check your coats at the door, folks, because our boy has no chill.
[exhales] Let's go.
[Samberg] Indeed, Ben, let us go.
♪ Drink the blood ♪
-♪ No bitterness, just sweet ♪ -[dings]
♪ This disco ball… ♪
All right, crunch time.
You got this.
[Samberg] Ever since he was little,
Ben had wanted to go to Columbia, just like his father had.
But he knew that the only way to make sure he'd get in
was to become an academic machine.
♪ You flicker then you’re gone ♪
Time for breakfast, my little prince.
No time, Patty. I gotta get to school.
You cannot think if you do not eat.
You need to fuel that big, handsome brain of yours.
It's okay. I'll just eat a jerky stick on the way.
While your parents are in Arizona,
I am in charge, and you are working too hard.
You must slow down.
I can't. There's too much at stake.
Plus, people aren't rooting for rich kids anymore.
We're in a post Operation Varsity Blues society, Patty.
My dad can't just buy my way onto an Ivy League crew team
like in the old days.
[Samberg] I'm sure he didn't really mean it like that.
He knows bribing your way into college is wrong. I hope.
♪ Party like a human ♪
[sighs]
Hey, watch where you're going, dumbass.
What'd you just call me?
Nothin'. I… I was just talking to myself.
[school bell ringing]
Time to go to class, dumbass. [chuckles]
-Okay. -[clears throat]
-[Trent] What's up? -You look hungry.
-Do I? [grunting] -Yes. Get him. Get him.
-Come on. -[Samberg] That doesn't even seem fun.
Who needs developmentally crucial male bonding
when you've got an A-plus diorama of the Irish Potato Famine.
Wow, that sentence made me sad.
♪ Oh my God ♪
♪ I've been looking for another solace… ♪
Too easy.
♪ We could spend a very, very long time ♪
♪ I've been looking for my old teacher ♪
♪ Dreams and sleep, here we are ♪
♪ They say, "No way" We say, "Let's play"
♪ I'm looking for the wizard ♪
♪ We believe in you ♪
♪ We believe in ♪
♪ We believe in you ♪
-[Trent laughing] -[Ben sighs]
I wanted to help you out,
but not as much as I wanted to see those books fall. [snorts]
[Ben sighs]
-[groans] -[stomach gurgles]
[Principal Grubbs] Ben Gross.
There you are. [chuckles]
We need to talk.
I just found out that you're taking ten classes.
That's crazy.
You need to drop two classes immediately.
What? No.
This is the second semester of junior year.
I can't slow down now. I mean, it's almost D-Day, baby.
Do not call me "baby."
Sorry. It just sort of rolled out of my mouth.
Look, Ben, your schedule is untenable. You don't have a lunch period anymore.
I don't need a lunch period. I have a system.
Mm-hmm, yes, I've seen you with your meat sticks.
Look, you have until tomorrow to drop two classes or I will drop them.
You can't do this.
I already did, baby.
Mr. Hall-Yoshida!
I'm still waiting on that college essay.
Yep, I'm on it. I'm basically done.
Oh, so you'll be sending it over tonight?
Totally.
You told me that yesterday, and I got nothing.
Probably went to spam.
Don't lie to my face, little boy.
Get me that essay.
-You got it. -Mm-hmm.
And why are you still standing here? Don't you have a class to get to?
[scoffs]
[grunts] All right, another fun group project this week.
You're gonna create presentations based on the next few units in your syllabus
and then teach those units to the class.
Wait. Are you asking us to make lesson plans and then teach them?
Isn't that your job?
That's a lot of nit-picking from you, Devi.
Who do you think you are, my wife? [chuckles] Sorry. Ex-wife.
[Samberg] If it wasn't clear already,
Mr. Brighton was going through an acrimonious divorce,
and he wasn't handling it well.
Um, get into groups of three.
Shouldn't be that hard to choose.
It's like how my two sons chose their mother.
So, you wanna team up?
You're the only person in class who hates group projects as much as I do.
Yeah. My last group partner transferred classes
because he claimed my emails were "violently smug."
Oh, look who it is.
Two of my closest friends in school, Crazy Devi and, uh, this dude.
Trent, are you trying to be in our group just so you can get an A?
How dare you suggest that?
I was coming over to say hey and to inquire about your well-being.
You can be in our group if you use your fake ID to buy us beer whenever we want.
Deal.
All right.
Uh, I have some free time between 1:15 and 2:00 a.m. tonight to work on this.
-That good for you guys? -Are you out of your mind?
We're not operating on your psycho schedule.
Both of you guys just come to my house after school.
No, I can't. That's when I Zoom with my Mandarin teacher.
Okay. Trent will do your section, and I'll just put your name on it.
[both] No.
I'll be there.
-Hmm. -[sighs in relief]
I've never gotten so close to having to do work.
[Samberg] Okay, looks like Ben's overbooked afternoon
was now even more overbooked.
But if anyone could do it,
-Ben could. -[groaning]
[Samberg] Yeesh! You okay, little dude?
[exhales]
[dog barking in distance]
Okay. We have to cover chapter six, Circular Motion and Gravitation.
With all dude respect,
I can't do that chapter because of religious reasons.
My belief system does not include a "round" Earth. [scoffs]
Trent, how are you in AP physics?
I just signed up.
I figured if I'm gonna get a D anyway,
why not get a D in an AP class because it basically counts as a C.
That's actually not that bad of a plan.
It's certainly better than the one you're working with now.
It's actually not, because I do have an F.
What's wrong with my plan?
-It's insane. -Because I'm taking ten classes?
No, I'm taking eleven classes, but three of them are bullshit electives.
Two arts and a class that's a nature walk once a week.
-My homework was to pick up an acorn. -You think that'll get you into Princeton?
[scoffs] How much you smoking on the nature walks?
They might look at my résumé and see a couple of easy A's,
but it still will be better than when you get a bunch of B's.
[gasps] How dare you? I would never get a B.
You will if you keep grinding away at your bonkers schedule.
[laughs] I am really looking forward to becoming Valedictorian
and looking at you sitting alphabetically with the rest of the losers at graduation.
Over my dead bu-- [groans]
[laughing] Did you just say, "Over my dead butt"?
I love that. Can I steal that from you?
[Nalini] Devi, what--
Devi, what did I tell you about closing the door when boys are here?
You do not have to worry about these two. They barely register as boys to me.
God. Fine. Rhyah's coming over for dinner. Will you be joining us?
Ugh! No, thanks. I'll just eat some frozen crap later.
[sighs]
[indistinct music playing]
All right, guys, I'll compile our work together
and send it over to Ben
because obviously, you have a better printing situation.
I will buy more black ink when we use up all the cyan.
Trent and Ben, you both are more than welcome to join if you'd like.
I wish I could, but I have six more hours of homework.
Damn, six hours of homework?
Are you in medical school? [chuckles]
-It's you. -Hey, Devi.
[Samberg] Who the dick is this?
And why is she looking at him like that?
[McEnroe] Hey, Andy, John McEnroe here.
Let me clarify.
That's Des, and the reason why Ben doesn't remember him
is because while Devi and Des were doing this at Trent's party,
your boy was doing this.
[Ben retching]
[groaning]
[Samberg] Oh, right, the cousin who wasn't a cousin.
Yeah, we were a bit a-durnk that night.
Mom, can I steal you for a moment?
-Why didn't you tell me we had guests? -[Nalini] I did, 30 minutes ago.
But you didn't tell me her son was coming too. God!
[Samberg] In this moment, Ben forgot about his mountain of homework.
The only thing that mattered was seeing what the vibe was between these two.
You know what? I'd actually love to stay for dinner.
It smells amazing.
-Aw. -[Trent] No doy.
The cardamom is frickin' aromatic, bro.
Hmm.
So, Des, what a fun surprise seeing you. [chuckles]
What you been up to?
Maybe camping in the woods with no service?
Or doing a tech cleanse in Joshua Tree?
Oh, I wish he would do a tech cleanse.
This kid is nonstop texting all day long.
Wow. Nonstop texting?
-Fascinating. -Is it?
Well, sometimes my texts don't go through because service is spotty and stuff.
Hmm.
[Samberg] Yikes.
Now Ben was getting the picture,
and his pangs of jealousy were turning to pity
knowing Devi had been ditched by yet another pretty dummy.
Oh, we got big news today.
-Desi, tell Nalini Auntie. -Mom, come on, I don't need--
Okay, fine. If you don't want to brag about yourself, then I will.
Des got into Stanford early.
-[chokes, coughs] -[Samberg] And now we're back to jealousy.
Are you all right, Ben?
Food shouldn't be too spicy. I added milk to yours.
Oh, no, I'm… I'm okay.
[indistinct chatter]
So, how about that dinner last night? Someone seemed a little thirsty.
Yeah. You.
When you found out that Des was going to Stanford,
you were like trying so hard to one-up him.
Mmm, no, I wasn't.
Yeah, you were. You started speaking to him in Mandarin out of nowhere.
Mm, I don't remember that.
Mmm.
I filmed it so I can make fun of you later.
[in Mandarin] You don't speak Mandarin? That's surprising.
Everyone really should speak it with how globalized the world is becoming.
Whatever. So what's your deal with him? Do you, like, like him or something?
Mmm, I dunno. Do we talk about people we like now with each other?
Yeah, why not?
I mean, you see me plowing my way through half the girls at school.
Hmm. Okay. Well, it's weird.
He asked me for my number, and then I never heard from him again.
But last night, he was a little flirty, right?
-With his mom? Yes. -Ben!
Yeah, maybe there was a vibe there.
But it was hard to tell with how lame you were being.
"I don't know if I'm gonna apply to Stanford. We'll see if it's a good fit."
[scoffs] Let's be clear. You'd give 1,000 HJs to go to Stanford.
Do you want me to smack that meat tube out of your tiny hands and beat you with it?
Fine. You want my advice? Stop trying so hard.
-Just be yourself and ask him out. -Really?
Yeah. What do you have to lose? Certainly not your dignity.
Okay, guys, the moment has come.
Turn in your essays on how you will use calculus in real life.
Wait, what?
We did an essay in math? That doesn't even make sense.
It does make sense if you're a public school teacher
who's been disrespected for almost three decades.
[Samberg] Ben had missed this assignment
because he had started listening to an audiobook of King Lear
midway through yesterday's class.
-Pointless? Well, that is it. -[King Lear audiobook playing]
You'll all be writing an essay explaining how you use calculus in real life.
I missed it. Can I get it to you tomorrow?
Calculus not a priority for you, Ben?
Maybe you want to spend your time on more practical subjects
like personal finance or health?
No, I just--
Guess what, Ben? You get a zero on this assignment.
[scoffs] A zero? No, but if I get a zero on this essay,
-that will bring my grade down to a-- -B.
Okay, so, Savannah, you're the one who said, quote,
"It's hella pointless to learn this wack-ass math I'll never use."
So, why don't you read your essay first?
[Samberg] The worst had happened. Ben had gotten a B.
His GPA would be pulled down to the disgusting upper fours.
But he couldn't even focus on that
because something extraordinarily painful was happening to his insides.
[groans loudly]
Oh, hey, you okay?
[grunts] I think my appendix burst. I gotta go to the hospital.
-Oh shit. -[groaning]
[Paxton grunts]
Can you please carry me in a less emasculating way? [yelps]
[woman over PA] Radiology tech 165 to OR3.
Radiology tech 165 to OR3.
Well, Mr. Gross, it's not appendicitis.
It's not? Are you sure?
Where'd you do your residency? [gasps] Are you still doing it?
I'm going to ignore that series of questions and cut to the chase.
It appears the pain you're experiencing
is the result of impacted fecal matter in your colon.
Most likely caused by stress and poor diet.
Excuse me?
W-Wait. So, like, he's full of shit?
[sighs] Yes, I guess you could put it that way.
[Samberg] Yeah, not really a diagnosis you want to get
in front of the most popular kid at your school.
When was the last time you had a bowel movement?
Uh, I don't think it's been that long, like, if today's Thursday…
Sixteen days?
-[Samberg] Oh my God. -Oh my God.
Okay, due to the frankly incredible volume of waste in your body,
we will need to perform a surgical procedure
to remove it immediately.
Wait. What am I supposed to do? My parents are in Phoenix.
My dad's helping Devin Booker launch his new skincare line called NBAgeless.
I know. I contacted your parents, and they referred me to your babysitter,
Patty Shevchenko, but we haven't been able to reach her.
Is there another adult who can stay with you?
Um, I'm 18.
I can stay while you empty the shit from him.
[Samberg] If there is a just and merciful God, just kill Ben.
-Kill him now. -[sighs defeatedly]
[doctor] Mr. Gross.
Mr. Gross, it was a successful procedure.
How do you feel?
[sighs]
Good. I think.
Now we just need you and your adult friend to wait here until you pass gas.
[Samberg] And the humiliation keeps a-coming.
It's standard. Just so we know your GI tract
is functioning properly post-op.
So how big a fart we talking here, Doc?
Like a real sheet rustler?
Always a pleasure dealing with teen boys.
Well, this is mortifying.
You know, I kinda thought getting cheated on by Devi
would've been the end of our journey together.
Yeah. Yet, here we are.
Waiting for your farts.
[sighs]
So, how is Devi?
She's good, I guess.
Actually, she kind of has this new guy now,
and weirdly he's sort of a combo of the two of us if we were also Indian.
[chuckles]
I always wondered how she liked both of us at the same time.
You know, because we're so different.
Yeah, you're a cool hunk, and I'm a friendless dweeb. I get it.
No, I… I didn't mean it like that.
I actually used to be kinda jealous of you.
Huh? Why?
Because you're smart like she is.
That's, like, a connection I could never have.
Yeah, well,
being smart isn't all that it's cracked up to be.
You probably don't go to the hospital very often
with stress-induced constipation.
No, I definitely don't. [laughs]
So, why are you so stressed out?
Oh, I don't know. Maybe because my entire life trajectory
is determined by the outcome of the next six months.
Are you talking about college? Dude, you'll get into college.
I don't want to get into just any college.
I want to go to Columbia, and I'm not sure if I can get in.
So then you don't get in. Who cares?
No, not "who cares?"
-I have to get in. -Or what?
Or all this work was for nothing. My future is ruined,
and I disappoint myself, and my family, and, you know, my dad.
This is all about your dad?
Dude, tell him to go to hell.
You work so hard, you haven't had time to shit in two weeks.
If I was your dad, I'd be proud of you.
[inhales sharply] Not because of the not shitting part
but because of the hardworking part.
Thanks. Let's change the subject. What are you working on?
Ugh. This stupid college essay.
The question sucks.
"Discuss an event that shaped you into who you are."
I just… I don't know how to answer it.
Hmm. Do you not know what an event is?
What the fuck, man?
I know what an event is, dude.
I just…
I don't really know who I am.
[scoffs] Gimme a break. What do you mean you don't know who you are?
You're the only person at our school who's not a nobody.
The lunch ladies named a dessert after you.
Yeah, that's all surface stuff. That's not who I am.
Okay. Then who are you?
I don't know.
Like, I think I'm someone… [inhales deeply]
Forget it. This is embarrassing.
You can't possibly embarrass yourself more than I have tonight, so get over it.
What do you know is true about yourself?
I mean, I'm a really good brother.
Maybe I could talk about when my sister was adopted. I--
Wait, you have an adopted sister? That's essay gold.
Okay. Why don't you start making a list
of all the ways that she's helped you learn about yourself?
Come on. I can… help you.
[Samberg] And so, after a humiliating afternoon,
things started to look up.
Not only did Ben finally get some much-needed male bonding,
but also his fart arrived quietly in the night,
rustling nary a sheet nor a nostril.
Hey, champ.
Dad? Why aren't you in Arizona?
Because my kid was in the hospital.
You okay?
[chuckles] Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right.
The doctor said this was caused by stress.
Sounds like you might be a workaholic like your old man.
Yeah.
But, um, actually,
I don't think I want to be.
Dad, I'm gonna scale my schedule back,
but that also might hurt my chances of getting into Columbia.
And I know how much that means to you.
You know,
half the reason I've worked so hard my whole life
was to make my dad proud of me.
I mean, he's been dead 30 years,
and I'm still trying to impress the son of a bitch.
[chuckles softly]
Ben, I'm proud of you.
Wherever you go to college,
whatever you do in this life,
I'm proud of you.
[laughing] Come on, Dad.
No, I mean it.
And I want you to hear it.
I know I haven't always been the best dad,
but this is where I can be better than mine.
You are a brilliant boy.
And I really love you.
[laughs] I love you too, Dad.
[Samberg] Finally, Ben heard the words he'd been longing to hear.
And for the first time since probably preschool,
he didn't feel stressed at all.
[sighs]
[Samberg] The next day, Ben was lighter in more ways than one.
Morning, Principal Grubbs.
I've decided to drop AP Calculus BC and statistics.
Good.
I'm so glad you came to your senses. [laughs]
[Samberg] Ben finally realized that Columbia was not the end-all be-all.
Would it be okay if I added an elective though? Maybe art studio?
[Samberg] But he was still going to apply.
Fine.
Paxton! Oh!
Great job on the essay.
Very moving.
I didn't know you could actually be so deep. [laughs]
I cried.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
[chuckles]
["Rhinestone Summer" by Innocent Bird playing]
Hey.
Oh, hey.
Guess what? Des and I are going on a date.
-Wow. Did you blackmail him or something? -Even worse. I took your advice.
I texted him and asked him if he wanted to get FroYo sometime, and he said yes.
So, while it pains me to say this,
thank you.
[Samberg] This would normally prompt a twinge of jealousy in Ben,
but if last night taught him anything,
it was that he needed to let go of whatever caused him pain.
Do you wanna sit down?
No. I'm just grabbing a soda before class.
You know, I hope you don't blow it with that guy, David.
He could be your meal ticket.
He wishes. I'm gonna be the first ethical billionaire, like Rihanna.
[scoffs] No such thing.
[can clanks]
What the hell?
Yo, I heard you helped my best friend last night.
-Um… -[Trent grunts]
[sighs] Any friend of my friend is also my friend.
Oh, it's cool, Trent.
Noice. Wanna hang with us?
Like with you and the Hot Pocket?
-I don't know what that is. -Oh, it's, uh…
Never mind. Yeah, sure.
All right, come on.
[Samberg] And while Ben's future was still undecided,
he was presently enjoying his youth for once.
All right, McEnroe, get back in here.
Vacation's over, you handsome son of a bitch.
["Rhinestone Summer" continues playing]