Oh, fuck!
Hey, what does this mean?
That means when something tastes good.
What? How have I lived here for three months, and I didn't learn that?
I don't know. Well, there's a bunch of them.
For example, um, this one means, "I need to leave."
- Okay. - Or this one...
"Clever."
And then there is this one.
It means, "Good to meet you."
Really? So it's like, "Good to meet you"?
No. No.
What's happening?
I don't know what some of those words mean.
Just go with him.
It's-- I was just asking to be polite.
- Ooh, I have an idea. - What?
Give me a-- a "grazie mille."
- Grazie mille. - Prego mille.
Thanks a thousand. You're welcome a thousand.
- Oh... - Man, I wouldn't say that.
Make you sound like you're stupid. Please.
Yeah, nobody's gonna like this.
Come on. Pino, what do you think?
I like that. Sounds tough.
- See? - Mm?
You know what Italian word I love?
Allora.
I don't even know what it means Allora.
People say it all the time Allora.
"Hey, what are you doing?" "Allora."
- What does it mean? - "Well."
- Really? - Yeah. Just "well."
Cool word.
Do you guys want to have lunch later?
Um, I'm going to
Hosteria Giusti for my birthday...
Is it your birthday today?
- Si. - Seriously?
Why you didn't tell us?
I don't know. It always feels weird to be like, "Hey, guys. It's my birthday."
- Come on. - Hey, guys. Hey.
I have an idea. Listen to this.
Let's do a tour of my family's style factory.
It's perfect for your birthday. Hmm?
Yes, we just got a new black stone from Morocco.
I mean, we call this stone Black Galaxy.
You've never seen a black like this.
Close your eyes. Close.
Yeah. What do you see?
Uh, black?
Black, huh? Blacker than that.
- Wow. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful.
Just a quick three-hour drive.
Very quick. Let's go.
I don't know if a six-hour round trip sounds like a...
Kind of experience.
I think I'll just go to Giusti.
Yeah. I mean, don't go, Dev. I love him.
I've been dating him for, what, ten years?
And I think that place is really boring.
Oh, come on. Don't say that.
It's not true. I mean, listen.
Don't eat the lunch by yourself. It's sad.
And it's a little bit-- how do you say it? Um...
Loser. Loser. Yeah.
Well, I made the reservation a long time ago, Pino,
before I knew if I'd have any friends.
It's fine. I need a little "me" time.
What's "me" time?
It's, like, time to yourself.
That's sad.
Okay. We celebrate tonight.
I'm gonna have some "me" time in the bathroom.
Hey. Don't use it like that.
It should be under "Sara."
Um, I speak a little Italian.
I can try to help you out.
Oh. Yes, please.
Uh...
You made your reservation for the next month, not for today.
Shit.
Look, I took a three-hour train to get here.
If there's anything they can do, I'll sit anywhere.
I'll sit in the dishwasher.
Um, yeah, I-I'll see what I can do.
Um.. Allora, uh...
Uh, well, you can tell that was negative.
Um, hold on. One more idea.
Allora.
I have a reservation for one that I made for my birthday.
If you want to join me, you're welcome to.
Oh. Um...
I-I don't know.
Come on! It'll be fine.
Let's just eat.
What are you gonna do, just wander around here?
Like, this'll be the same as if you were just eating here anyway,
only now both minorities will be sitting at the same table.
Okay. Yes. Thank you.
I guess we just follow her.
You're not gonna murder me or anything, are you?
No.
I'm a very basic, basic British girl. I promise.
What does that mean? Like, you're really into tea and those tiny sandwiches?
Oh-ho! So we're gonna go for stereotypes immediately, are we?
You know there's no strawberries and cream here, right?
There are no strawberries and cream? I'm obviously leaving, then.
No, I think this'll be fun. We both seem nice and normal, right?
Uh, well, you know/seem normal.
I know that much.
- But-- - Grazie.
If this gets weird, by the way,
by which I mean, if you get weird,
then I'm gonna put my headphones in,
listen to a podcast, and just eat the food.
I won't even look at you. It will be like we're eating alone.
Welll, if you get weird...
I'll do the same thing. That's a really good plan.
Whoa.
- Oh! - Oh, man alive.
That is so good.
Dev, thank you again for sorting this out for me.
Thank you for eating.
I was about to have this sad birthday lunch by myself.
I don't know what I was thinking.
It was great. It was really nice to meet you.
And you.
And how is your pasta making going?
Are you any good?
I can confidently say
I am one of the top 50 pasta makers in Modena
of Indian descent.
No, there's three of us, and we're all bad.
Well, congratulations, anyway.
And when you're done, do you think
that you'll go back to New York, or what do you think you'll do?
I don't know.
I love it there, but I like how quiet and peaceful it is here.
- You know? - Yeah.
It is a hard city to be single in, though.
Everyone either has a boyfriend or a husband, or they are a grandma.
So I don't know.
And you moved here, like, just after you broke up, right'?
- Mm-hmm. - So this is your...
Diane Lane, Under the Tuscan Sun moment.
What's that?
Diane Lane's husband cheats on her.
She moves to Tuscany, falls in love with a handyman.
It is the greatest film.
Wait.
So, in Unfaithful, she cheats on her husband,
and in this one, she gets cheated on?
What goes around comes around, Diane Lane.
Um, what about you? What's your story?
- You live in New York. - Mm-hmm.
What do you do work-wise?
Uh... I used to work in finance.
Oh, cool. What'd you do?
Ugh, God, please don't pretend to be curious.
Yeah, I know. That "oh, cool" wasn't genuine.
I regretted it as soon as I said it.
Uh, finance sucks.
What other stuff?
Relationships. Tell me.
Uh, well, you know, single right now.
My last relationship lasted two years.
Uh, one day I came home,
and there was a naked woman sat on my couch,
watching a documentary about bees.
What?
Assuming this person was involved with your boyfriend
and not a nude burglar
that was concerned about the whole bee die-off.
Yes. Yes, he was inserting his penis
into her vagina on a regular basis.
Thank you for reminding me.
That bee documentary, though, worth a watch.
- Narrated by Ellen Page? - Yeah.
I'm familiar.
Good, right?
Can I tell you something?
I don't know if I would've been so keen on inviting you
if you didn't have such a lovely British accent.
Really?
They're so charming.
Do you think you can do one?
Yeah. All right, you never met me.
'Ello.
I'm Dev from Devonshire.
I drive a Jaguar,
and I live in Buckingham Palace.
Buckingham Palace?
How did you manage that one?
Found it on Craigslist.
Your accent is terrible.
Bollocks.
It's "bollocks."
- Bollocks. - No, "bol-locks."
Bollocks!
Okay. Maybe let's not shout "testicles" in a restaurant.
Fair enough. Cheers.
- Uh-huh. - And this old couple
were coming down the pavement, and I didn't know what to do.
- Yeah? - So rather than stopping,
I turned into the road
and, like, went through all this oncoming traffic...
- Whoa. - ...and nearly died.
Ooh. Cobbles.
- That feels... - Cobbles!
How do you eat all of this food and stay so skinny?
Secret is, I don't.
I'm getting chubby.
Oh, what's that?
I don't know shit about history. Looks cool, though.
- You want to snap a pic? - Yeah, sure.
Uno, due, tre, formaggio!
That means "cheese." What do you think?
It's rubbish.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's good.
Thanks. I can make up some history about it.
Okay. Go on, then.
This is the first ever McDonald's PlayPlace.
Thank you so much for showing me around.
I had a really good time.
- Yeah. I did too. That was so much fun. - Good.
What are you up to this weekend?
Um... nothing.
Okay. Good.
Well, some friends and I got this Airbnb house in Puglia--
- And you want me to come clean it. - Yes. Yes, I do.
But maybe also hang out with us. Make us some pasta.
- Yes. That'd be amazing. - Oh, great.
Um, well, I got your number. I'll text you.
Perfecto.
No. No. Not perfecto.
Perfetto. No C.
Perfecto is Spanish.
All right, dick. Do you want to come or...
Yes, I'd love to. That'd be so much fun.
Thank you.
Urn... I know it's only, like, 5:00 in the afternoon,
but I've been drinking a lot of wine today.
I kind of want to make out with you.
Okay.
Wait, but what if we wait till Puglia?
That'll be more romantic, right?
Like, our first kiss is in Puglia?
Sure. Okay. Okay.
- Wait, is that stupid? - No, I think it's sweet.
- I'm up for it. - Okay.
Wait, let's just make out now.
I have to go get my train.
- All right. - Okay. Oh...
- Yeah. Okay. - All right.
- Bye. - Bye.
That was dumb. Should have just made out now.
Hey!
Fuck! Her phone number!
Uh, so there is no security cameras,
but he asked if you tried the "find your iPhone" program.
No, I turned it off 'cause of international data.
Oh.
Well, he said that's too bad,
because in this case, it would've been very useful
to have it on.
Come si dice "no shit"?
- Do you want me to translate that? - No.
Um... oh.
- Ah! Si! Okay. Okay. - Police sketch artist.
That he likes to draw comic strips
of funny things that happen in the station.
That's funny, because in Italy,
we have policeman that likes pastries a lot,
so it's actually...
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
We have the same stereotype in America too.
I'm so sorry. I'm so s--
It's fine. Uh, you head back to the shop.
I'll just keep looking with Mario.
- Are you sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fine.
Si, si, si. Grazie. Ciao.
The fuck that guy kiss his phone for?
Why can't you be like American kids? They 're all spoiled and have phones.
What's going on? Are we gonna look for the phone?
We can't find the phone.
He's not going to admit it.
Every one of his neighbors will just say he was somewhere else.
Do you really want to push the issue against this guy, huh?
It would be easier just to get a new phone.
Well, damn. You could still come and hang out.
Ciao.
- Hey. - Hi.
Happy birthday.
- Thanks. - I have some gifts for you.
This is from Nonna. Lasagna.
My favorite lasagna? Special birthday batch?
Well, it's actually just leftovers.
- Hey. - I'm kidding.
- Of course it's a special thing. - Cool.
That's from Pino.
A piece of tile?
It's Black Galaxy tile.
It's so black.
From me. That's Maurizio Cattelan.
He's my favorite Italian artist ever.
I did a thesis on him at school.
- Cool. - Just cool? Seriously?
Look at this. Hard cover. It's a special book.
Special edition. Come on.
I'm sorry. Grazie mille.
I'm not gonna say "prego mille."
What's up? What's wrong with you?
Why are you so sad?
You still thinking about that girl?
I just haven't met anyone I had a connection with like that
in a long time,
and it's gonna go away for a stupid reason.
Yes, I know, but, I mean, you just met her once.
You don't know her at all.
Maybe she was one of those person that just love to put people in a basement
and leave them forever.
Maybe the Puglia thing was just a trap.
Maybe.
Give me a smile.
Better smile.
- Bravo. - ♪ Happy birthday ♪
To you ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
- Let's do it in Italian. - Yeah. Yeah?
♪ Tanti auguri a te ♪
♪ Tanti auguri a Dev ♪
♪ Tanti auguri a te ♪
Can I just say, it's pretty fucked up
you guys just straight-up jacked the melody we use.
- Thank you. - Auguri!
Sara?
Sara!
Hey!
Sara!
Fuck! Ah!